September 25, 2020
I’m going to wallow in the devastation of my shitty ass choices. Pull them over me like blanket covers. That way I won’t have to see the disappointment on your face as you look down at the ground, where my eyes can’t meet yours. You don’t know what to say but I hear it loud and clear.And this house might burn, too.
You are THE best dad. You are the golden heart on a blue collared sleeve. You are far deeper than anyone else can see. And for all of this you deserve so much better than me.
I don’t want to be caught and caged. I don’t know how to be happy and free. I don’t know if I can give you anything that you’re expecting of me.
You don’t know if you can trust me and yet there you are, COMFORTING ME, when I can’t stop crying!! That’s who you are.
I always say your mistakes don’t define you but they do. I can’t unbreak things. I can’t be better and it’s because I never just do better. I fall backwards again and again and for that I’m not sure the future has an honorable plan for me.
I know I have to go all in regardless. I have to give it everything because you deserve at least that. At the very fucking least. No matter how it shakes out, I am so sorry for being such a sham. I got caught up. I don’t know quite why or how or if I’m just irreparable or if there is hope. There should always be hope but that’s not something that I see. Not today. Not now.
And it’s all because of me – not you.
That this house might burn, too.
I had a dream about a burning house
You were stuck inside
I couldn't get you out
I lay beside you and pulled you close
And the two of us went up in smoke
Love isn't all that it seems
I did you wrong
I'll stay here with you
Until this dream is gone
I've been sleepwalking
Been wondering all night
Trying to take what's lost and broke
And make it right
I've been sleepwalking
Too close to the fire
But it's the only place that I can hold you tight
In this burning house
I see you at a party and you look the same
I could take you back
But people don't really change
Wish that we could go back in time
I'd be the one you thought you'd find
Love isn't all that it seems
I did you wrong
I'll stay here with you
Till this dream is gone
I've been sleepwalking
Been wondering all night
Trying to take what's lost and broke
And make it right
I've been sleepwalking
Too close to the fire
But it's the only place that I can hold you tight
In this burning house
Flames are getting bigger now
In this burning house
I can hold on to you somehow
In this burning house
Oh and I don't wanna wake up
In this burning house
And I've been sleepwalking
Been wandering all night
Trying to take what's lost and broke
And make it right
I've been sleep walking
Too close to the fire
But it's the only place that I can hold you tight
In this burning house