Bent Words

Bent Words

November 19, 2022

It’s like you got it all wrong from the beginning once you realized how good it got. The way things were supposed to be. The way things were going. I had it all worked out and I knew life wasn’t going to - couldn’t - get better than that. All you had to do was take out a bit of my immaturity, slash a few nights of inebriation and inject me with a bit of experience so I wouldn’t have to miss a moment of back road, race track, dual sport, hare scramble recovery, motorcycle shenanigans.

I deserved more I MEAN IT kisses, greasy garage repairs, two-wheeled couples therapy. I wasn’t done getting to the good stuff and when you cut me off, you hung me over it, in limbo, for years, so that I couldn’t reach it but you made it so that it was unreachable anywhere else. I think you short changed a lifetime of meant-to-bes.

You’d let me suffer the indignity of unrequited respect/hope/love and let me believe that a one night stand could be something - ANYTHING - more than what you’d knew it would be. Relationships were forever after just a joke. Soaking in mediocrity, sweating with unsustainability and dripping with what ifs.

And when all I wanted was to look back at the best time of my life, you’d rip away the memories, too! All the letters, photos, previous proof I wasn’t dreaming, gone in smoke.

You’ve taken away all the good stuff. There’s nothing left on the other side. There’s the outline of my confident heart, pre-shatter, and the echo of my engaged, genuine laughter. I can remember them if I can’t see them or hear them anymore but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t outright robbed.

I will forever blame the rest of the world for standing stubbornly in my way. You won. You leave me bereft despite the fact that you were never meant to be. You were just meant to be in the way, to derail, to detain, to distract, to bully and to beat down. You just took it away because you could; not because you were hungry like me, not because you wanted it.

But this will always be bigger than that pettiness. This was it. All you get. The ultimate.

NO! You cannot explain it because it’s inexplicable! It’s above reproach or right or wrong! It just was the best thing. The most tangible intangible, forever feeling that brought the house down and the foundation with it because what was built in its place has never been seen before or since. You think you’ve got it figured out, then you’re wrong and you don’t really know me because of all the millions of things I have no clue about, this one thing I do know.

Since the moment we met until the moment we are no longer, we are one.

Written at 9:48 a.m.