Bent Words

Bent Words

June 02, 2020

I’ve started this four times now.

That’s usually how it goes until I say FUCK IT internally and let out whatever it is that needs to get out HOWEVER it looks and it usually doesn’t look pretty. I don’t really think that much of what I do is pretty so that shouldn’t be surprising but I am still a girl so sometimes I wish I could just be that a little bit.

Pretty.

Just pretty.

Instead of pretty intense or pretty inconsolable.

Pretty scattered.

Pretty defeated.

We get together and I can barely formulate a sentence. I barely recall what mattered so much ten minutes ago. So I take the reasoning and resolutions and I crumple them in my hand and I basically just toss them out the window and then BAM! I have nothing left but to be.

And it’s so nice just to be.

Maybe here I’m pretty inadequate. I don’t know how to wake up happy and keep it going for a period longer than one hour. I tried that today. I saw the little dust motes floating through the sun rays slashing between the blinds in my bedroom window and I thought, “Ahhh, yes, hope! Look at that! It’s bursting through the morning’s sunrise.”

Nope, just fucking dust, yo.

DECIEVING DUST!

I climbed into Big Kid’s bed and I held her close to me and told her I love her. I told her we could go out to lunch, just her and I, for some special gir’s time. She said she wanted tacos. I compromised and said no; we’re going to Olive Garden. Adult beverages AND lunch. She said okay. I coaxed her out of bed with blackberry toast and then I found the Middle Child and coaxed her out of bed with grape jelly toast.

Toast is good.

Treadmill, Ozark (Justin Bateman) and a shower. I even like the heat. More sweat means more calories, right? So I did that until I checked my work schmerk email from my phone at 6am. All the fires started and so I had to cut the stroll short. Still, I kept it optimistic. Then I heard the screams.

He couldn’t hear the news, they couldn’t watch their tablets because the little shitlings can’t keep their electronics straight so they were missing and Mister screams when all the world is full of shouts of anger. I don’t blame him. So there I was.

Pretty angry.

A little kiddie pool and some water fixed it until the Middle One cried that the Big Kid poured water on her head. I tried to mediate and fix the problem but my work schmerk was blowing up. My boss called and I lied and said I was fine because that’s what bosses want and no one cares that my tiny humans are revolting against the sad excuse of a dictatorship we have going on. I put out the fires, I made my apologies, I pleaded my case which was pretty well communicated but, by the time I get done with all that, I’m just pretty fucking tired.

I’m pretty drained.

Lunches forgotten, yelled directives throughout the day, work, work, work, The Boy is hungry, the girls are fighting and I’m just scared about how angry I am.

I’m pretty overloaded.

I called a friend and she is willing to watch the kiddos on Monday and Fridays.

“How much is it?”

“I don’t care.”

“But….”

“No. I don’t care.”

I’m pretty done talking about it.

I’m pretty scattered right now and I’m sorry that that’s all I got for you. It’s so impossible when you’re unable to sit and think. The chaos, the commands, the fires, the screaming and the disdain… It’s so loud.

Let me walk up to you in a quiet bar with quiet people and quiet drinks waiting to be drunk.

The quiet night can fall upon us and all we have to do is… Nothing too important.

Because I’m pretty tired, yo.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3YWNSyZURE

Chasing Cars

Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?


Written at 7:05 p.m.