July 14, 2004
How weary I have become in attending this familiar feeling. The feeling of hopelessness and deprivation, of anxiety and of constant fear - of all the damned time spent and gone. I cannot re-acquire it, replace or refund it for better, more solid times and I cannot fathom what I might have done in its place.I feel more alone than ever in some ways. I can no longer rely so heavily upon my parents for all of their advice, no matter how willing they might be to give it. I feel I should withdraw some of that dependancy, though it breaks my heart to realize any distance between them and myself. But it is my life and I do have to find a way to live the damned thing - without anyone. After all, it will be without anyone someday. We shall not dwell on that today, but I must accept its definity.
Shane is basically gone. Without an answer and without an opinion, I have nothing else to believe in. How many times my heart has ached this prophecy and sunk into its cruel realization. How many days I have battled the ending, only to battle it again tomorrow. Giving in and giving up, but never really letting go completely... No wonder my world is in such disarray. No wonder the physical pain added to the emtional stress. Too much time for self pity and too little time for advancement in healing. My God, let him be.