May 18, 2004
Alright, you win, I lose. I'm sitting here still a little sad, still holding on a little too tightly and still wondering what in the world is going on with you. I wanted to be around you a bit tonight, after work, but my presence didn't seem to matter. That's why it feels I'm just in the way. I guess I do have to just get over it on my own, sit here and cry if I want to and quit protesting to you when you've said it too many times. What do I know anyway? I'm just one of those young girls who doesn't know how to put her heart away long enough to use her head. I can't just take what you have to say for the last word - I always have to fight for it. But what is it when it's just me sitting here; still a little sad, still holding onto you and still wondering what's in your head? Guess I gotta stop forcing myself into your life. I just wanna be the girl that someone seeks out once in awhile, that someone would really want to be around... It's not your fault that I don't have these qualities - that's what I get for spending every moment in trying to prove myself soley to you. Perhaps proving my life to myself, having anything left for just me, thinking of SOMETHING else. But it's so empty! What do I have?? I'm here working for someone whom I have very little respect for and being paid 10 grand less that I used to. I'm here, where it's okay to hang out, but forget really talking to someone. I'm here, as usual, all the time, without a fucking clue. I won't listen to you, I won't listen to my parents, I won't listen to myself and there's pretty much no one else. I'm in total limbo. Just sinking into a huge hole of nothing wishing someone would JUST TELL ME what they want! I can't have what I want so what the hell does everyone else want - what can I do for you? What would ACTUALLY make you happy? Why is it so hard to just love me and make me happy? What is the big fucking deal with my requests - I've compromised my heart so fucking much and no matter how far down I go, it's still too much! It's always too much! I've bent myself backwards to fit under this bar that you've lowered over the years and all I've expected is for you to love me - to REALLY love me. But as soon as you began getting questionable, I requested more - I wanted the divorce more than ever because I thought it would be the only thing to save US. But there really isn't an US is there? There's just this great big question mark where I would normally stand. Instead of being young, beautiful, smart, eager, fun, generous, adoring, adventerous and passionate, I'm just a big sloppy question mark on your life!I like going to strip joints and having sex, watching races, riding, working, helping, learning, feeling, writing, caring about the concerns of others, reading, being creative, making people smile - aren't these QUALITIES - good qualities? Sure, there's bad stuff and here it is. Just think about the person you love the most. The person who's call you'd never screen, the person who's smile makes your heart burst with the greatest warmth, the person who's life you've pictured in your mind day after day, the person you want to lie next to every night in bed, the person who could be standing three feet away from you, but you miss them because their arms aren't wrapped tightly around you, the person who's touch never fails to make chills run up your back, the person who straighten your posture for when they come around the corner, the person who has been everything and could be everything, but just cannot anymore. Take the person that you've never stopped loving every single day, more than you've every loved before and than imagine not having a real reason for why it can no longer be. That's about exactly where I am.