May 17, 2004
It hit me so hard today. He has Leukemia. He has Leukemia and has been recommended to have a Bone Marrow Transplant. It's such a long process and extremely risky. I cannot imagine living in a world without him. He has to be okay and make it through this. And in all of it, I don't even know if I'll get to be there for him. I'm willing and once again, as with everything else, he's pushing me away, guilted by what he's putting me through. It's not the Leukemia, the wife, mother, kids and job so much as how he doesn't seem to want me anymore. He doesn't seem to light up at my presence, treat me as his equal or ask me about my day anymore. He says he's concerned, yet he keeps it to himself. As he continues to pile surprise after surprise on a heap already chock full of difficulties, I stand my ground. I cannot falter, flee or stray. I have my own fear, guilt, pain, question, doubt and yet I do not simply put it in a closet and hope it goes away! He cannot expect those feelings to go away, either. To face it head on, make exceptions, find a damned way... That's how it must be done. I suppose I thought that with his Leukemia, he'd feel it stronger than ever and yet the only the guilt seems strengthened. I thought he'd take that chance, though it seems impossible, I thought he'd take it. Take a chance on me as I took that impossible chance for him - more than once and despite all the surprises.I'm afraid he's just allowing me to drift away, farther and farther, until someday I'll be beyond all reach. If that's okay with him, than I cannot protest, but somehow I do not believe he wants me to go. Yet it's happening. Then I'll have to face the fact that I cannot worry about him, wonder, follow, inquire or come back. Gone. And how much, now, is he allowing to drift away? He's certainly not going after what's his, what he wants, what he needs, what he desires. He's standing there, right NOW, I'm sure, watching it all float directly past him. I want to help him so much, I want to bring him back to life as I once did years ago. Something in him was dying then and something is now. It's not the Leukemia, though - it's himself...