Bent Words

Bent Words

September 11, 2020

September 12, 2001

Someone asked me how I felt last night, as I lit a candle for the millions of people who feel the very pain I feel and feel it to every extent possible. I responded in the best way I know how - with little premeditated thought and loads of heart! I want to expand on those thoughts now, if you wouldn't mind.

If I have ever hoped for anything, I am hoping now that you see what it is I see. I am hoping that you realize your importance in this world - that everyone realizes their importance in this world. For, no matter who you may be responsible for or who is responsible for you, you are the greatest entity that will ever belong in your life. Be that person with all the eloquence you can contain, be that person - no matter how scared you might be - with every ounce you can commit to. Let happiness be yours, let happiness extend to one person you meet during the day. Allow your own sun to shine on a day with the heaviest, gray clouds in the sky - make a promise that each day you are here is the best day of your life. And don't forget to let others know that they are precious, too - with the smile they didn't have to smile, with the kind words they didn't have to say, with the helping hand they didn't have to lend. Be it, taste, grasp it, smell it, seek it, love it - it's your life! And you don't know how long you have a right to it. It's never too late to let go of your prejudices, to be the person who you've always wanted to be, to tell that one person how you've always felt, to roll around in the green grass or the brilliant white snow with a grin on your face - all alone or with the world. And if you think I've just found this in a horrific tragedy, with mourning and terror - you've never really known me - and you've never known how much I truly care. I love you - with all my heart - with all the seconds that beat in my heart each day.

Hey, this just may be me, but perhaps this is a point of view you've never considered before and perhaps, today, it's worth exploring... Here is my empathy for every soul who does not feel content in their amazing survival of life. You may not have a lot of money, you may not have a lot of friends, you may not be the most respected, but you do have the most awesome, uncompromising power - and that is to be true to yourself and everyone you ever touch. That is the power to care, to love, to forgive, to pursue your own happiness and to never be afraid of who you are. Good luck, take life and take care. And so, this is how I feel...

Oh, and… Gorgeous – Thank you for amplifying each and every one of these words to their true potential. It is through your heart that I have realized how important they are to communicate. You make a world proud… at least this world.


Sometimes these words are hard to read. That hope, that joy, that optimistic tambour in my heart… it doesn’t always find its way here. Maybe the expectations are just too high now that I actually *am* responsible for someone else and now that I have had my own personal little tragedies to fend off. These battles can be bigger than the war. Or maybe I’m not on the right path. Or maybe this is as good as it gets; little glimpses of hope that flutter in front of me with the brevity of a shooting star.

I do see that girl sometimes, though. That loud laugh infiltrates the room. That wry smile finds its home in my heart. That freedom ripples through my senses. The worry falls away and all I am is where I am and that is ALL I need to be.

So I read this now and I am back in that apartment on North Street with fewer worries and bigger dreams. I went where I wanted to go in this world, I cried when I needed to cry and I kicked ass where it needed kicking. I was responsible for that one GREAT entity – myself. And why I get so STUCK there sometimes is exactly why you think I should have. Because I began my adult life right there. I broke hearts and mended my own. I LIVED my life and I LOVED like hell and I was so fucking scared sometimes it hurt but I never gave up and I never gave in. I made my own fun when I needed a laugh and I danced like no one was watching and I sang out into the street and took off on any given flight I could find time for and I raced down the road on my bike(s) and slipped on the ice all the way down to the bar in a snow storm with a fucking grin burning on my cheeks. I went after what I wanted. I tasted it, grasped it, took it all in and I don’t regret a single second of those glory days. Well, maybe one or two things I regret but mostly I took my own advice and marched down that path with swaying hips and a head held high.

And, yeah, when life took away my identity with one fell swoop, I stumbled pretty hard. Perhaps I’ve been stumbling ever since because we’re not as grand as we were when we were in our twenties. Life pulls and pushes and drags you all sorts of ways and when you lose control, it’s hard to know how to right the wheel. Or where you should go once it’s ‘right.’

I will never forget. I will never falter in my amazement of this life. I will never apologize for how I’ve loved. It’s too big to forget, too impressive to not be amazed and too strong to die.

I don’t think anyone else would understand.

Written at 6:29 p.m.