July 29, 2008
Guess you gotta do it some time, eventually. Tilt your body forward and head into the future, no matter what it may hold. No matter what lie behind you. You've gotta fall into the din of life spinning and swirling around you -- right now -- without worrying about losing your hat or tripping over errant memories or being held back by the tiresome tales fate might toss at your feet. You've gotta plow on. You've gotta get ready for whatever's next. You've gotta build up the foundation, rather than searching in vain for one disorderly brick. You just gotta go and do what ya gotta do.And so you are.
Planning parties with simple invitations and easy-to-follow directions, hoping you've enough chairs and ground chuck to go around. You sigh over names and addresses and wonder at how they all seem the same. The same last names of the same small handful of people who will say the same small things they always say when gathered together before the sun has fully departed on the edge of your newly cut lawn. You wonder what harm it could incur to add a few new names -- old names, rather -- people who might really have known another you, you suddenly realize, the other you. The you you left behind.
And so you have.
Heading home after a long day full of numbers and precision, of exacting silence and same old situations, to the same old figures flashing on the same flat screen. The same bills, the same complications, the same old needs-to-be-fixed and "guess who called?" and what else can I do for you? The same order, the same chaos, the same requisite number of tasks to perform for someone else. You're setting up the bikes but you're not riding. You're setting the specs to perfection but you're not racing. You're following the weekend frenzy but you don't have time to dig into the action. You're too busy making it happen for everyone else.
And so you don't.
But why don't you? Catch a glance behind your shoulder and check what you've been missing. It's all still there. With fifty faces to fill you in. You don't have to be full on or completely pinned or all day throttle. You can ease in, fall behind or cop out early -- who cares as long as you're there? Besides, not much has changed. The road is still ready to be ripped apart, the dirt is still too dry to see what's ahead, the odds are still a smidgen out of your favor... As though that ever stopped you before.
And so you should.
Guess you gotta do it sometime anyway, eventually. Remind yourself what makes you feel alive. Tilt your body forward and bob your head a bit (because that makes you go faster, right?) and enjoy the breeze. No matter what you're supposed to be doing or what lies ahead, regardless of who it was you thoughtyou were... Because you are.