Bent Words

Bent Words

December 02, 2007

Luckily, it only took me a half hour to get unstuck from the Food Pantry's parking lot across the street from my apartment. But during this brief travail with the winter weather, I learned a few things which might come in handy for future circumstances.

1. No matter how insignificant you think it may be, do NOT park your car on a hill in the snow.

2, Bring the bucket of salt and a shovel with you BEFORE attempting to 'handle it on your own.' This will ensure that you have a fighting chance should you not be able to 'handle it on your own' by kicking the snow (and, subsequently, your car) and will prevent the necessity of running back across the street, soaking your new boots in a puddle of snow slush and then having to acquire said snow removal tools.

3. The slush puddle you stepped in twice before probably hasn't moved from its original position so it would likely serve you well NOT to take the same damned path.

4. Unless you don't mind looking like half a Smurf after the whole ordeal, use a cup or a small shovel to handle salt rather than using your hands. Do not touch face. Do not rub eyes. Do not wipe hands on your favorite pair of jeans.

5. Smile and wave at the nice plow truck drivers pausing to look at you but not offering to assist -- your middle finger will only encourage them to spit snow at you with their rear wheels as they peal off in traction-filled disdain.

6. If you have a bad shoulder (or two), toss your neighbor ten bucks to help you remove the four inches of snow that was rained and sleeted on and therefore much more heavy than previously anticipated.

7. Move to Arizona.

Should you have any questions, I'll be available (Cancun time) from 1-2pm after my nap by the pool.

Written at 5:52 p.m.