Bent Words

Bent Words

November 28, 2007

ARIES: March 21st – April 19th
Although you are generally accepted in terms of basic societal norms, erecting a giant cheaply made plastic snow globe featuring Santa and his reindeer in your front yard will most likely negate this fact in the eyes of, well, pretty much everyone.

TAURUS: April 20th – May 20th
It seems as though it could not be a more hectic time of year what with all the holiday hubbub hanging over your head. But be prepared to put your feet up, Dear Taurus, for a stupendous snow storm is purported to strike on every morning of every family gathering you had planned this season making it possible for you to radiate the true meaning of Christmas – bah, f’ing, humbug.

GEMINI: May 21st – June 21st
It has been said that money makes the world go ‘round but none of that really matters unless you happen to have an eight-car garage so you might as well park the trailer now.

CANCER: June 22nd – July 21st
Your “I am God” complex may have been mistaken for confidence by your misguided parents when you were ten but now it’s just like a billboard hanging around your neck blaring INADEQUATE in bold, flashing letters. Perhaps it’s time to take on a new neurosis with which to wow your family and friends.

LEO: July 22nd – August 22nd
You’ve never been described as ‘brilliant’ by your peers, Leo, but you’ve also never been described as ‘ugly’ either. At least you have that going for you.

VIRGO: August 23rd – September 22nd
Be prepared to stumble onto a large sum of money on Monday (just before 10am) when, while crossing the street, three convenience store robbers (Jeremy, Nick and Roberto) fleeing the scene of the crime mysteriously (but conveniently) drop approximately $102,567.21 onto the street while crossing in the opposite direction (north by northwest).

LIBRA: September 23rd – October 23rd
Remember, Libra, pithy answers to essay questions, correct though they may be, did not impress your high school professors and therefore did not the grade make. Garrulously written, platitudinous rejoinders spattered with a few grandiloquent phrases, however, did.

Cut the shit – this isn’t high school.

SCORPIO: October 24th – November 21st
Although you have always been a serious proponent of global warming, winter in Wisconsin still blows and thus your efforts of persistently wearing flip-flops and low-cut, half sweaters in 17-degreee weather will not magically reverse these naturally occurring seasonal effects.

SAGITTARIUS: November 22nd – December 21st
While you may believe that nothing could be worse than having your birthday loot reduced by the costly customs of Christmas gift giving, you’re only partially correct – as is usually the case.

CAPRICORN: December 22nd – January 19th
At the party and still without a date for New Years, you will be surprisingly attracted to the person next to you who can balance four bottles of Corona on their head and whistle ‘Oklahoma’ at the same time for seventeen minutes straight. It is clearly written in the stars that you try to resist all temptation…

AQUARIUS: January 20th – February 18th
The great epiphany that “you, too, can make millions right from the comfort of your own PC!!!!” will fail to strike you as dubitable as you quit your job as Head McMuffin Maker and “enthusiastically embark on new and exciting possibilities!!!!!!!!!!!!”

PISCES: February 19th – March 20th
You will be sadly mistaken in having thought that one person really can make a difference when you and your Hello Kitty thongs are rejected by Good Will.

Written at 8:54 p.m.