Bent Words

Bent Words

March 21, 2007

Singles with bad, few or no teeth now have a place to congregate, thanks to Catch.com – a popular online dating service which has been matching singles since some time in the not-so-distant past.

It has been estimated that a staggering number of Americans, about one-in-two, are afflicted with dental dilemmas which prevent them from meeting or pursuing a potential significant other. The cause, said Dr. Admiral Nelson, can be attributed to the large number of folks out there who fail to see their dentists regularly. The bigger issue however, stems from households without adequate means of prevention.

“It’s a shame,” said Dr. Nelson, “that more people don’t own toothbrushes.”

The average price for an ADA approved toothbrush has spiked to nearly $4.75 in recent months, making it nearly impossible for the average American to support their families and take care of their gums.

According to Dr. Nelson, rising healthcare costs bear no relation to corroding choppers.

But there is new hope for those who can’t find cupid as a result of their bummer bicuspids, raved Executive Chief of Joint Staff Director, Mr. Captain Morgan, with a less than toothy grin.

“We’re so proud to introduce this brand new dating service. It’s a way for singles to meet without concern over their teeth – or lack thereof,” said Morgan. “Besides, it’s not about what’s in your mouth counts. It’s what comes out that really matters.”

The result of Catch.com’s latest addition has been positive. More than 14 members have now made themselves available via the internet, thus increasing their chances of finding that “perfect catch.”

“If it weren’t for the fact that I have never flossed once in my life, I may have never met Dan. He’s just a big, gummy gulp of joy.” -- Cecelia Rumplemin


Another new site making headlines can only be referred to as vainglorious – a term which has been employed due to its venerable number of letters.

IGod.com claims to be the only site available to egocentrically challenged persons seeking to aggrandize their narcissistic values. The sites more popular members include; Naomi Campbell, George Clooney and a few other rich people. Although the President was unavailable for consultation, the discovery of the inconspicuous handle, The Big Bush, on IGod’s website does raise some eyebrows. (And we at The New Perspective frown upon speculation.)

According to the man with the red hair at the news conference, the purpose of IGod.com is to assure outstanding citizens of the United States that having a “me, me, me complex” is okay. And, not only is it okay “it’s expected from every other country in the world,” said red-hair man.

Although some may argue that vanity is a thing of the past, others clearly disagree.

“Of course I’m going to gripe when I’m three-deep in line at the grocery store. I should be checked out first because I am more important,” said one member of IGod.com’s community who wished to remain anonymous.

Encouraged practices on the website’s main page include:

1. Honking obnoxiously while waiting in line at the McDonald’s drive-thru. This will be sure to stimulate other drivers to move along more quickly.

2. Disregard others when “must-have items” initially become available the day before Christmas. Whether crude language or violence is necessary does not matter. As long as you get the item first.

3. Answer extremely important call on cell phone while paying for gas at station. Tip: become distracted, fumble for wallet, curse out loud and finish conversation on phone before finally paying for over-priced gas. This will generally make others realize that paying at the pump is best and thus you will not be expected to wait in line as long.

4. Insist on receiving a discount on name brand items because “I shop here all the time!” You deserve it after all you’ve accomplished.

5. Throw a fit when kindly asked to “wait one moment.” After all, you don’t have time for that kind of nonsense.

6. “Please” is for pansies. You’re a God. Employ the assertive “give me” instead.

Written at 9:25 p.m.