July 13, 2006
You could cut the air with the wild looks of unfamiliarity we exchange. The hesitation in our footstepts and our smiles -- when it comes to each other -- makes me want to cry. Every single day.But I did not mean to cause such massive bouts of decimation between us. I did not intend to create a rift or burn a bridge; even if only one board. Most sincerely.
It's just that I get so confused with this whole life thing.
I never really know what to protect and what to project. What to act upon and what to guard with knuckles white. It's as though I'm caught in the middle of a tug-o-war tournament, armed only with my usual delayed reactions. I always want to do what's right, but my lack of expediant thought seems to trip me before I get there.
Hence the writing. I have time to think and reflect before acting.
If only life was so patient. With spell check... And the occasionsal backspace.
Perhaps then I would shine and my true feelings would actuate into comprehension. No one would wonder and no one would hesitate -- all would be clear and concise. Even if it pissed them off that I occasionally thought of how much I wanted to punch them in the face, at least they'd know the other half as well. The good side. The sincerity and the hope. And, of course, the passion.
And now I don't know if I'll ever not fuck up or forget my true path. It seems too easy to get off track -- and especially when you're trying so damned hard. That's how I feel most of the time. Like I'm trying so damned hard that I am then destined to trip over one of life's hidden wires. The wires being emotions and memories, faith and forgiveness and so much more that I cannot even fathom right here in this moment.
I just want to be good. A good person, a good worker, a good lover, a good writer and a good citizen. A good painter of walls, if the chance presents itself, would be a bonus, a good listener and a good traveler. A good daughter and sister, a good aunt and a good friend -- I really want these things. I really do try to BE these things.
But sometimes I get side tracked or lose my train of thought. Sometimes I get confused and sometimes I just freak out. Sometimes I question too much and sometimes I worry too little. Sometimes I'm just not so good. Without spell check and backspace, save and revise.
So I guess I'm just going to have to live with that.
I hope everyone else can, too...