Bent Words

Bent Words

August 01, 2006

The Boy is gone this week. He is on vacation from work and pitting for a friend down in Tennessee. I have his phone and he has mine, as mine is equipped with nationwide service and does not roam. And I've only checked his phone twenty times today; waiting for a message or a call.

Even having privileged access to the unknown realm that is the middle of the bed has not been enough to lift my spirits. And it's not just because I miss him or just because I have no idea what goes on down there. It's because of the e mail he sent to my parental units before he left.

It stated that he was not sure if he and they were going to cross paths again...

I am left with the constant revolutions of these words within my head, the piquing tambour of their meaning and the unrelenting possibility of their harshness.

The items he moved in with still remain and he assured me before he left that he was intending to return. But what solace can be had in that when minds change and things (silly, simple things) can still be moved? What consolation can be offered to an overly contemplative mind and what forgiveness can be realized without his tender assurances? I sit alone; eager to learn of his intentions and desperate to break the silence -- hoping I could be wrong and weakening with the will to quiet my tears.

I'm an f'ing mess.

I despise not knowing the ending and I despise being unsure. I cannot stand the distance that has grown between us and those who are connected to us -- as though everyone else knows that which I do not. I'm nearly paranoid! Paranoia being the Laura Land theme these days...

I cannot write anything worth reading these days and thus I should have gone out tonight. Merely to keep my mind off of other things, I should have gone out tonight. And I shouldn't be waiting by the phone. I've played that game before and what an absolute waste of time it is.

But when there is no shoulder to ease an aching mind...

Written at 8:43 p.m.