November 10, 2004
If only it lasted... just long enough for me to see, to understand and to perceive.The dimension between our origination and our present placement. The miles in between the laughter and the sadness. Somewhere; where we knew exactly how we were feeling and how we feel right now. I suppose I've never had it right. I'm always caught - always in between. In the midst of where one wants to be and where one should be. What should have been driven out long ago and what cannot, after a year's lengthy stride, be yet dismissed.
These hours I spend, leaned against the backrest of memory, paying homage to those well passed, but never forgotten, and carefully guarding myself from the associations that ring the tunes of who I once was and no longer wish to be. It is a place of sordid limbo. The definitions bellow in my heart, of what I was most resembled to - the things, the people, the places, the possessions that are no longer in my care, that I can no longer claim as a clear and explainable me. That person is dwindling in the passage of time.
What follows might be best equaled to an obscure, shadowy figure lingering within a fog of diffident features - unfinished like the artist's intimidating clump of damp, dull clay; still untouched. The first trembling impressions upon this unmanned mold are the most intriguing and the most difficult to attend to. Here, we begin and cannot turn back, lest we face shame and turn back on nothing more than a heaping pile of what never was. Here we must plod on, forming the masterpiece within our minds and spilling it forth onto a wide open canvas, fondling the hopes that this venture proves fruitful and wise, desperately grinding against the anticipation of failure. Retreat is not an option here.
To disgress into the walls of unequivocal certainty, to fall into the backward repitition of ease and of knowing - this cannot be fathomed. Let not that harmony sing so sweetly into my ears. Allow me the strength to crush the enticement of throwing my head back toward the only light that I know. Lead me into this darkness with the determination that all of this strife will one day prove bright and uncensored. Let these now delicate whisps of undertermined fate be someday pronouced with ardorous glee - help me in creating that tantamount warmth, that understanding and that obviousness of who I am. Bring me forward and drive me onward, set air to these unebbing sails and let me find that place...