Bent Words

Bent Words

July 28, 2015

I didn't write this for anyone or anticipating any kind of audience. It was just for me. Just to record the progress. Apologies for the TMI and the tiredness of my words -- it's been a rollercoaster. Just feel like I need to put it out there and, hopefully, to let it go along with the many other things that have filled this journal...


I forgot how entirely your body marks you as pregnant, even when you're only three weeks in. I knew it even before a test could tell me.

I felt it everywhere.

The tenderness, the tugging and pulling inside, the shift of my hips (thanks to my sacroilliac joints), the increased exhaustion of my evenings... All of it screaming at me that a new life has begun. So here we are. And since I have been tracking everything, we know exactly when it occurred. Man. That was quick!

The first day of my last period was May 31st, 2015 and we found out for sure on Sunday June 28th.

I've had some severe bloating and then, yesterday after work (Monday), I tried to eat some Sriacha on rice and instantly incurred the worst vertigo plus nausea I've ever had. I puked about five or six times, could not walk straight while trying to get up to use the toilet and could not shake a migraine that hit me with such force I could not read to Em. I hope this isn't going to be a portend of my next six weeks or so but I will definitely be avoiding spicy foods from now on. It was just horrible. And scary.

Friday 7/10/15

Not a good day.

I did not sleep well last night for the abdominal pain I experienced. Mostly intermittent but pretty intense. I went to work but barely lasted three hours as the pain worsened. I got home and started feeling feverish. My temp was not all that high but I still ached everywhere, almost like I did when I had Mastitis. I was finally able to sleep and that seemed to help although I was exhausted from a lack of sleep the night before. I had a bowl of soup and drank water.


My first OB appointment.

Dr. Q asked if she could bring a student in the room with her. I said that fine. I'm not stoked to have someone else check me out but it was a girl so not a huge deal. What Dr. Q didn't tell me was that I was due for a pap and that this student was going to give it to me. She was not adept with the speculum so the whole procedure took nearly a half hour. After many trials and errors, Dr. Q finally stepped in and made things go smoothly.

Still not my favorite thing in the world but it's amazing how much more accommodating one can make their body after they've already had a baby and several people up in your junk for the delivery. Makes you feel less self conscious and more relaxed. It's also how I got used to having blood drawn and have been able to donate regularly since they have to do that a lot when you're pregnant. Not mention the epidural.

Finally got to see the baby. Only six weeks, though, so no heartbeat yet. That's the hardest part. Not knowing if he's doing alright. I cried.


Woke up feeling sickly. It's a slow roll kind of sick where it just builds until finally you get sick. I've been sick a couple of times now and it always seems to start with a really bad headache that is just waiting to form into a migraine.

I think I puked five or six times before heading to work. Took everything I had to get through the day and no working out. However, I worked out Monday and Tuesday and plan to tomorrow.


My little Squeaker is three years old! Well, she will be at quarter to 7pm.

By this time three years ago, I was waking K-Dog up because my contractions were pretty intense. I had been up since 3am, unable to sleep, as we had made our appointment to be induced. I was exactly one week past my due date and Dr. Q said we could not wait any longer for our little miracle to make her big entrance. All she needed was her big day to be scheduled and she knew she was ready.

What an adventure! And I was ready.

K-Dog quickly loaded up the car while I stiffened through contractions coming every five minutes. Despite this happening, it would be another twelve hours before her arrival. We were living in a two-bedroom, two bathroom apartment/condo complex at the time and I can remember how severe the bumps felt driving through our long, snaking parking lot. McDonald's was a hop, skip and a jump away but I didn't think I could make it through the drive thru to garner my two bacon, egg and cheese biscuits (which I noted on my bathroom mirror not to forget!). Although I was warned against eating (as it was likely to make me nauseous), I'm so glad we did as we not going to be able to eat again until nearly midnight.

At the hospital, we arrived about a half hour before our scheduled appointment and informed the desk clerk that we were already having contractions. She offered a wheel chair but I was feeling quite capable of walking.

Settled in our room, I endured the poking and prodding which was pure agony as the nurses attempted to determine my progress. I have an inverted vagina so they were having issues getting up in there to see if I was dilated. The gave me an epidural at 10am after a few tears rolled down my cheeks and enough pitocin to equate "licking the bag." By 2:30pm, my water broke with an audible pop and about an hour after that, my dilation started progressing quickly. 8cm turned into 10cm and I was ready to start pushing.

I almost didn't make it, pushing out a 9lb 4.3oz baby, but just before we needed to employ suction, I gave one last mega push and her little fuzzy head came out! Then the shoulders, OY! and then, at 6:48pm, K-Dog said, "You have a daughter!"

"I know, I know, I know," is all I can recall replying. We didn't find out the sex but I knew from day one it was a baby girl.

She must have been put into my arms but I barely recall. Perhaps the exhaustion or the exhilaration or the confusion of everything going on but there she was. My perfect little baby. I recall most when K-Dog held her in his arms. His face was pure love, his eyes watery and his heart full. More full than it had ever been before.

I had some major bleeding so it took me a bit to get patched up -- seemed like forever. After that, the nurse insisted we eat and gave our baby girl her first bath. I cried while watching, jealous that K-Dog could walk around her and watch the whole thing so I made him take a video. Her head was a perfect cone and her little cries were too precious.

We were all tucked in for the night when I decided, against the nurses recommendation, to stand up to look at my baby girl in her bassinet. My left leg was still numb so I favored my right leg and stood over her for a long time before gently picking her up and holding her gently against me. I was afraid to pick her up before -- afraid I was too weak and woozy from the pain meds and epidural -- so this was my triumph; picking up a newborn baby that was all mine and all perfect.

That's when I fell in love with her. Just past midnight when the rest of the world was sleeping soundly.

Just her and I and just knowing that I could now take care of her as I was meant to.

With my whole heart and soul and much much more.



Having sleeping issues. Keep waking up so damn early that I don't know what to do with myself and then by 7pm I'm worthless.

Bobbi Kristina Brown died yesterday. Only 22 years old. I was 40 weeks pregnant with Em, at home for a week before giving birth, when her mother Whitney Houston died. I cried and cried and cried, watching Kevin Costner give a eulogy as though my whole world had folded! Such hormones! Now I'm only 8 weeks along but today is a big day and perhaps one of the reasons for my inability to sleep -- I get to hear our baby's heartbeat today. There's nothing more in the world that I want right now than to heart that rapid little beating.



I lost the baby.

Well, I haven't lost it. It's still inside of me. It just isn't alive. Two weeks ago, he measured 6 weeks and today he measured six weeks and four days. I should have known better when Dr. Q asked me how far along I was when I first came in. She just told me to get dressed and she would be right back. And then that's it. You leave the doctor's office not knowing what comes next. I still feel fully pregnant and haven't had any signs of a miscarriage. So I suppose I just wait for whatever's next.

I love you, little man. And I promise you I always will.

Written at 5:06 a.m.