June 19, 2011
Alright.Straight up because I don't play up.
And because I have decided that I'm not deleting posts anymore based solely on initial anger/frustration which has the potential to dissapate the moment I wake up. After all, not everything is a basket full of kittens. We're going to have our differences. That and the fact that I lost all my hand written stories makes me want to hold onto what follows with even more alacrity.
(But I have been drinking so perhaps we'll need to revisit this one on more sober terms...)
Number one, it's DAD'S day tomorrow so I'd rather not be tossing and turning when sleep should be on my side. I'd like to give my father his due, not be a big bag of shazz. I'd like to get up early seeing as I came home early -- not worry about what the fuck kind of nonsense is presenting itself while I should be sleeping.
Yes, have your fun, by all means, but don't leave me guessing.
You want me to point out our age difference less than you might want to act the prize which you are claiming.
Unless you're sitting in a circle with eight-year-olds, or fully confident the consequences, games actually are just for kids.
Don't insist that you "wish I was here" when it's relatively to blatantly obvious that I cannot/will not/should not/won't be there. And don't fucking relate repeatidely how drunk you are when you're supposed to be somebody the next day.
Especially when it comes to the man I respect most.
That's like a brush to the face -- not the same as an all out smack but you know how much I hate my face being fucked with. Even jokingly. Just like a graze to your sack of beans, it's annoying as all get out, no matter how unintentional it may have been.
Number two, I couldn't quite pinpoint this whole consternation previously but, after having discussed it relatively thoroughly, I believe I got a handle on the sitch.
I'm not worried because I'm jealous.
It's a bachelor party. I could care less if you are at a strip joint, hired a stripper or are pretending your best friend's ugly girlfriend will suffice as strip-tease-fill-in. That doesn't worry me. Yes, I'd rather be an active participant when it comes to this type of adventure but I stunderand. I can't always be one of the guys.
I'm not trepidacious because I'm oh-so-afraid of losing you, this wonderful thing I have. If I lose you, I'm down a man, but you're the one who's losing. Won't be the first, won't be the worst (in terms of something wicked that this way came).
I'm concerned solely because I feel I have a solid reason to be. Period.
And that's all it takes.
It wouldn't be there otherwise.
I'm not here to destroy anything, look for evil or become consumed by senseless doubt. And, especially, I'm not here to tell you what to do. I'm here to be happy and make things right and if that's not your cup of gingerale, that's absolutely fine. Honestly it is. But don't be drinking out of my glass of ale if you're looking for lemonade, yo.
This ain't no lemonade stand and never did I advertise it as such. Move onto a different franchise if that's what you're after.
I had this gig running smoothly before you showed up. Don't think it will matter much if I have to resume my solo act again. In fact, the sooner the better if we're not meant to be riding the same pony.
Nothing against you, my dear, for you are a most wonderful, intriguing and generous man who has a lot to offer but, like I said, I need to keep this all straight up.
Right now, straight up, I'm not happy.
You have to choose your moments. Decide what's most important. Make the most out of what you've been given here.
It's your choice. Your hand. Your life. You do what you do. And if getting shit faced is what you do, wrapped with regret in late night texts, when you know I want to leave relatively early and be somewhat coherent for duration of the day, then by all means keep rolling on that coaster.
Keep in mind, however, that my time right now means a lot to me and if I think someone -- anyone -- is fucking with that, I am going to get defensive.
I have a lot to gain in my life moving forward right now.
I just don't have a lot of time for second guessing.
And I certainly don't have a lot of time for more loss.
Dig?