Bent Words

Bent Words

May 24, 2010

Idiocy sucks about 67.5% more when it's hot out.

And in.

(It was 84 degrees inside the shop at 10 this morning. Not in *my* room but still... I do have to be amidst the humidity for at least half of my day which is so bad that my shoes squeak on the floor. And it's funny because I rarely rock the air conditioning at home. But then again, there's not as large a capacity for stupidity here at home so I can bear it. Because of that and the beer. Of course.)

A little guy came in today with his buddy...

"Yeah, I need a clutch cable for my 1998 RM125. I've been to like three other shops and they keep getting me the wrong one."

The fact that he anticipated an error on my end prior to any actual work being done pissed me off immediately. Plus it was altogether too likely that he didn't really know what model year bike he owned seeing as "like three other shops" all came up with the same damned cable.

I quickly brought up the cable on the microfiche and turned the screen around so he could see the cable.

"Yeah, see? That's not the right one. Mine is the same on both ends."

"Right. Which means your bike isn't a '98. Most likely," I said.

He looked me in the eye for several seconds. I looked him back in the eye, daring him with my glare to contest my statement.

"Alright, well, the dude I bought it from said it was a '98."

"Uh huh."

"Aw, come on. I need to get the bike running by Wednesday. Don't you have some cables in the back that would fit? I mean, how many different cables can there be?"

Ahhhh, yes. How many cables, indeed... There couldn't be, like, hundreds or anything. THAT would be ridiculous! And I wanted to say something to the effect of, "You're right, Retard. Suzuki only manufactured three different cables for all their motorcycles since 1966. That's right, only three. So it's your lucky fucking day because we just happen to stock all three cables and you can choose for yourself which cable best suits your needs. Step right up and pick a cable, any cable, as long as it's the right cable because, after all, 'How many different cables can there be?'"

But I didn't.

I just told him to wait for a moment while I leisurely made my way into the back (air conditioned) room, sent a few text messages off to a few people for no apparent reason other than to waste time and grabbed a box of about fifty different Suzuki cables which have been in our possession since 1980. I dropped the box in front of him and told him to sift through the few miscellaneous cables we had on hand.

Twenty-five minutes later, sweat pouring down his brow, the kid comes up with a cable that he's convinced will work.

"Look!" he says to his buddy. "She was lying -- they totally have the right cable in stock."

Okay, buddy, number one -- I wasn't lying. That's the wrong cable. It's too short. It's for a 1988 RM250. But I'm gonna sell it to you anyway on the pretense that I sold it to you at "Sale Price" so you can't return it. And number two, you're an idiot. But, whatever. Bye.

Same thing, different moron, happened later in the day.

"Ahhhh, can you get me a spoke kit for my XR80?"

"Sure! What year is your bike? Front wheel or rear wheel? Inner or outer spokes?"

"Oh, well, I don't know the year. And I don't know about inner or outer. They just have to be this size (he said while holding up a spoke)."

"Yeeeeeeaaaaah, I'm gonna need to know the year in order to get you the correct spoke kit."

"What? How many different spokes can there be?"

Right. How many different moto bikes are there, buddy? How many different sizes do they come in which translates to how many different sized wheels they all have? Shall I hold my breath while you think about it for a moment?

I proceeded to look up different XR80 motorcycles and turned the microfiche around, once again, to show the customer that I wasn't completely unqualified in my line of questioning.

"See, different sizes for different years; plus inner and outer. You can bring in the VIN from the bike and we can get the correct spokes ordered from there."

"WHAT? You don't have them in stock?"

He was genuinely distraught at this fact. I was genuinely amused. He doesn't even know what he owns but we're supposed to have everything for 'it' in stock. Not that I don't wish we had everything and not that I don't wish I could procure everything he needed with a wave of my hand but, alas, that's just not how it works. I do not have a spoke kit for your somewhere in the range of 1980-2001 XR80 motorcycle, sir, and I'm truly sorry.

I, too, wish that cell phone chargers, car tires, lawnmower blades, light bulbs, shoes, were all universal, but, seeing as they aren't, we all must make do and find out what it is, precisely, that we each own and therefore need from this world.

Knowledge is power.

Ignorance, however, is a choice.

And not a great one at that.

Thank you. Don't come again.

(End rant. Commence beer!)


Written at 8:50 p.m.