April 08, 2010
If it really comes down to it; if it really makes her feel better to point a damning finger at me, FINE -- I suck. But I'm done feeling guilty. I spent so many years of my life feeling remorseful -- criminal even -- for all these things that I've done wrong that, as a result, I've been essentially incapable of moving beyond my own mistakes. I went so far as to define myself by these mistakes and I actually believed, for so long, that I could not be more than the corrupt situations I found/put myself in.
But that's a bunch of bullshit.
I am a nice person. I like smiling and laughing too loudly and making people feel good about every brand new day. I'm not always sunshine and roses, for sure, but I don't hold grudges, I don't seek out harmful enterprises and I don't consider people clumsy when they trip now and then. I have never pursued an erring direction with the intent of malfeasance. Has it happened? Yes. But how can you go through your every day believing that people are solely out to get you? How can you believe I was ever out to get you when all I've been doing this entire time is trying to get me?
And now more than ever I'm just here to live. I just want to be a part of this. The experience. I'm just here to make things as right as I can and be as good as I can with what I have. I know I don't have much but that's not as big of a deal as it used to be. Right now, what I have is good -- this roof, this flexibility, this freedom to do what I want as I see fit. To know that I could if I wanted to! So when it happens that someone else has the ability to contribute to the overall happiness I experience from day to day, I hold onto that. With all my fire. Because, seriously, how do you let that go? That is, the goodness that other people can bring to your life. The words of wisdom, the motivation. The experience they hold.
So, within this happiness that I hold onto with tightened fists, if there is also an element of dishonesty or disregard, I'm not sure if I'm willing to let that go. After all, it's not MY dishonesty. It's not my stumble or my Cup of Oops.
My name's Paul and that's between ya'll.
I am where I am right now. I don't know if that's where I'll be tomorrow. And it might not be where I was just yesterday. So why don't you worry about YOUR right now -- point your finger at the person who's standing right in front of you -- and leave me the hell out of it. There's nothing here for you to fix 'cause you can't fix me. I'm not broken. I'm not mangled. I'm not confused and I don't need directions. If you're not in my life, in my right now, to make a positive contribution, back off.
I suppose I am somewhat sorry (or else I wouldn't be writing with such alacrity) but there's just not enough room for guilt here. This is my life and these are my moments and I'm not trading them in for regret. I've already played that game, worked that gig.
I've been that girl who waits for someone else to cause a spark. I've been that person who waits for someone to call. I've done the whole negation of plans, keeping the night open in case he's available thing. I've put all my damned race gas into one bike before (my apologies now for the stupid, yet KICK ASS, analogy) and, while that wasn't a bad thing by any means, it's just not something I have to or want to do right now. Why? I don't even have a bike! What I have is the choice of many bikes -- of ANY bike I want. So until I find the perfect fucking bike, I'm going to test ride as many I damned well want to. That doesn't mean I'm going to be a jackass and hit 140MPH with one on the first go -- safety first -- it just means I'm going to toss a leg over a few and see how they feel.
I don't have to be decisive. I don't have to commit. I just have to be happy with the fact that, right now, I can ride.
And, ya know, my supermoto didn't even like race gas (too lean). So who knows what the future holds.
(Alright, alright -- enough with the two-wheeled analogy already...)
The point is that I'm not waiting for anyone. I'm not hoping something will happen or counting the minutes as they pass. I'm not scrutinizing the company (unless it turns out to be psychotic company) or taking notes on who wants to hang. I'm just chillin'. Happily. Solo or otherwise. If you want to join me, that's great. If you don't, that's totally cool. I'll just go somewhere else and do something different -- no skin off my nose. And if you're taken, well, who am I to judge? But don't get caught talking to me when your significant other wants to know how you've been spending your free time 'cause I don't like fingers in my face. Don't throw me into that threesome.
*I* didn't do anything wrong and I won't do anything wrong. I'm just chillin'.
If I wanna ride, I'm gonna. I'm not about to sit here and wait until you're ready.
It might be a little more lonely this way but if I've learned anything over last few years, I've learned that you've just gotta make your own spark. You've gotta make do with what you've got or find a way to get what it is you're after -- no one's gonna do it for you. If you're stuck in the woods with a blown plug, that's all you need, right? Essentially, that's all a spark plug has to do. It's gotta fit in the hole and 'cause enough fire to get you outta the woods. It doesn't HAVE to contain the recommended heat range. It doesn't have to be right on. It just has to work for this situation. Right now.
I know I'm not perfect. I know I don't have exactly what I want. I know I don't always venture deep into the woods with the right plug in my pocket. But at least I'm out there (not taking anyone else's line or stuffing anyone in the corners), sailing over the table tops, jumping while I can, putting the front wheel into the air... having some fun.
And for that, I offer no apologies.