July 20, 2007
August 20th, 2004 -- He Needed Me
When he asked me if I wanted to come over, I knew not what to do. I felt the restraint of wondering what he REALLY wanted, but when I looked into his eyes, it was only half hidden there - he DID want me near. He wanted me to take him away, bring him back and rise above the very thing that he felt should push me further into the darkness of being apart. He wanted me - he needed me. Not to live, not to go on, not to bring himself to another day, but simply to find himself in better thoughts, simply to be his friend, his lover, his deepest admirer and his thoughtful companion.
If I rose to the occasion, I do not know. If took him into a moment more filled with ease, I am not sure. If I benefited him at all, I can only be so much more grateful than this whole wide world could ever know. That's where I've always wanted to be! There's where I am driven, that's where I am complete, that's where I find force in my life so filled with him. In that ONE moment where I could PERHAPS make a difference. I never want to take presidence over the importance of his family - I only ever want to find a moment with him where he finds himself exactly where he wants to be. I do not want to be that last resort, that dismay in being unattended by another, that torture of being alone with nowhere else to go - I want to be the one that, in a second glance at purity, is needed. I want to know that I have purpose in his life - true meaning. I want to know that I am standing at the edge of his desire, just beyond the rest of the world, with a little something special to offer.
I want HIM to know that I HAVE that offer! That I offer the exclusive rights to only him! That I do not look beyond the sight of his fleeting glance unless to procure what it is his heart most intends to see! I do not make a move without, at the very least, wondering of his approval!
That's the beauty of what he has taught me. That's the glory of his touch, his smile, his laughter, his breath, his heart, his knowledge, his passion, his caring and his entire nature. He has taught me that beyond the rhelms of being the busiest person in the world, one can care and hold their truth. That one SHOULD seek their own path AND be able to hold true to their own desires. Though I thought I was the one teaching HIM, I found that he has taught me the very phrases to which I claim to respresent. I forgot all that I knew in the deep desperation of life. I let it go to try to understand it ALL and only failed to realize that I CANNOT understand it all. I only found myself in the purest of frustration and the most degrading levels of misrepresentation.
* This is why I beg of you not to let him befall the worst fate - let him live longer and harder and deeper and stronger and more beautiful in the hearts that care about him most for all of eternity. Let him rise above the very thing that he has NO control over. Let him stay here - if not it be with me - that's fine as long I know that he remains in this world. Do not allow such an amazing inspiration to be taken away from such a needing place as this earth. Don't you DARE take away from him what makes him so brilliant - do not even intend to pursuade his light to shine in any other way than on the necessary moments of a life such as his children's or my own. *
For a magical moment, he needed me, for all the moments that I have needed him and still admit to need.
May I only be of assistance again and again, for all of time, whenever, wherever he wishes that I be...
July 19th, 2007
Still got your back, Gorgeous. Still cheering for you and still want you to win. Not sure, exactly, what you've got going on right now but something's in the wind. The chill I feel against my face... Whatever it is, I know you'll fight it, like everything else, with absolute finess. Take care and take life.