Bent Words

Bent Words

February 09, 2006

Who needs an alarm clock when you have punctual wildlife residing outside your hotel window? Between the cat fight and the rooster's call, we were wide awake by 8:00 a.m. on Thursday morning. The skies were still overcast and unwilling to allow the sun to poke through the smooth, gray clouds.

In pursuit of coffee, John exited the room and found a most amazing breakfast spread laid out just outside our door. One could find hard boiled eggs, waffles, bagels, breakfast bars, fresh fruit and the best darned coffee in the world. So good was the coffee that John felt it necessary to abduct said coffee cup.

After showering and capturing a few pictures, we were ready to make our way back through The Keys.

We returned our keys to the front office and had a wonderful chat with the gentlemen who run The Grand. I highly recommend these accommodations if ever you are planning on visiting Key West as these people were the most amiable fellows I've ever met in any hotel in the U.S. or abroad. You can check them out at or find out what other people had to say about their experiences at

Before heading back up U.S. 1, we dropped by the large buoy that is the Southernmost Point of the United States (and only 90 miles to Cuba). We accosted some guy wandering around in the area to take our picture...

Everybody -- all together now... "Awwwwww."

On our way back through The Keys, we stopped by the Dolphin Research Center where one could, for the low, low price of $165, swim with the dolphins. I was, unfortunately, unable to make my dreams come true by swimming with these amazing animals, but at least I know where to go the next time. It was still a great experience to be able to check out the 16 dolphins as they were being trained and thus we stayed for quite some time. I recommend dropping by the DRC if you're in Marathon (Grassy Key, more specifically), as it is nothing like Sea World. Well, it's a little like Sea World because the dolphins jump, spin, flip, wave and paint T-Shirts for treats of fish, but there's also a lot of important research going on and you get to learn more about them than you would with your 3-year-old at some amusement park. Here's what Flipper gets paid for:

Shortly after watching one of the trainers masturbate a male dolphin, we decided to boogie. Right next door to the DRC was another open faced restaurant which advertised "The Key's Largest Buffalo Wings."

I was in.

At the bar, and after fifteen minutes of glaring at the bartender, I ordered a Captain and Coke. The woman behind the bar looked at me as though I just asked for her to get naked and dance with me on top of the bar for five bucks. I retracted my offer and instead asked for a Miller Light. I was afraid to order food after that and thus John waited by the bar for fifteen minutes before someone finally took down his request. After two beers, I had to go to the bathroom. Normally, this would not be an unusual event but having already witnessed a woman with a plastic glove make Flipper sing in front of a 5-year-old girl in the DRC audience, nothing came as a surprise.

I was wearing a bathing suit beneath my shorts and sweatshirt. Instead of just cleverly discarding the suit, like the Magical Bra Trick, without removing clothing, I decided to get naked in the bathroom stall.

Then I noticed the gaping inch and a half crack in the stall door. And then, the fairly large woman on the outside of the door staring at me through the crack. She wasn't blinking. Hell, she wasn't even TRYING to avert her eyes to bathroom floor or to the mirror on her left side or to anything but me and my nakedness. Despite the fact that I had not eaten all day and it was already 4:00 p.m. and despite the fact that I had quickly consumed two alcoholic beverages, I could not squeeze a drop. I retreated as quickly as possible, keeping my eyes on the woman's shoes during my exit, and returned unemptied to my place next to John.

I told him about my calamity, but he merely shook his head and kind of half giggled in response. At least the food arrived shortly after. And, let me tell you, they were WHOLE chicken buffalo wings in the most amazing sauce -- true to the advertisement.

I lost my appetite, though, when the woman who had earlier donned Flipper's plastic love glove next door came running over to pick up two large bags of carry-out...

Written at 5:57 p.m.