April 08, 2005
You don't have to think I'm tough.But today I'm feeling pretty fucking tough.
This morning, as I searched for my salesperson license, I came across the only letter you ever wrote to me.
"I love you to death and only want to make you happy but, there are going to be problems. We just need to be strong enough to get through them."
I haven't read those words in over a year. It doesn't mean that the pain hasn't been there, because I can guarantee you that it has, but today was different. Today I had to hold those tears back and I had to put the letter away as though it were just another piece of useless paper getting between me and my main goal. I had to pretend I had never seen it, I had to swallow the massing lump in my throat and I had to move on.
Today I had to act like it didn't matter.
I didn't even get through the front doors of the shop and there was Dave and his son - the gentleman I had sold a Hayabusa, a GSXR1000 and a LS650 to during my reign as Sales Lady at Lake Country Powersports. He shook my hand three times and told me how happy he was to see me back. He remembered my name and he remembered the amazing deal I had given him on the trio of bikes. He remembered the Power Commander he had purchased and financed with the deal and he remembered the guy who never had a chance to put the PC in his bike before he left. He did not, however, remember your name correctly.
"It's not Sean," I said, "it's Shane. He hates being called Sean."
I should have acted like it didn't matter.
When I finally walked through the door of Action Power Sports, I was greeted with a myriad of smiles. I was told that it was good to have me back and I was patted on the back by more than one person. I was introduced to a few new faces and I began immediately to assist customers wandering around on the floor.
It was painful that I could not recall the price of a GSXR750 and to not know what an M95 is. It wasn't easily stumbling over the stock of our used inventory and dorking around with the stupid new computer system for fifteen minutes just to clock in. And it sure as hell wasn't a walk in the park when Dirt bike Dennis dropped by and asked me about you.
Bill Sorrell picked up his new GSXR1000 and wanted to know how you're doing.
The guy I sold two CBR600F4is to wondered where you were.
Jen mentioned that you knew her and Jeff's friend who lived or lives in Ireland and forgot that I couldn't just discuss the guy with you later in the day.
Why Ben had to pick up his parts today and inquire after you is beyond me. At least they were all being consistent.
At the end of the night, the GM and two other guys were questioning the mangled threaded gold washer of the steering dampener on Bill's new bike, wondering how it had come to be so. I looked over Ron's shoulder and noted that the technician that set up the bike didn't put a rag over the bolt before tightening with the air tool.
"But it comes that way from the factory - with that piece in place," Ron stated.
"Actually, no," I said, "that's where the bike is connected to the metal crate when it's shipped. The gold piece comes separate and you're supposed to secure it with a towel over the washer so that it doesn't become compromised like this. It's a very soft metal."
Well, that's how you taught me to set up a bike.
Now you're no longer there. Not in the physical sense, anyway. But as it would seem, especially today, you never really left and you'll never really be completely gone. No matter where I go and no matter how much I pretend it doesn't matter...
And, hell, you don't have to think I'm tough, but I still got through today. I answered all the questions and I put forth as much information as I possibly could and I gave you as much praise as a person removed could ever give. I let the tingles that reside within the mention of your name run through me as though I were unaffected. I let the questions flow as though I could bat at them with complacent ease. I even sold a damned bike my first day back in the business.
I only wish I were invincible enough to be able to say that I'll get through a million more days of this but I suppose there are going to be problems.
I just need to be strong enough to get through them.