October 22, 2004
Whatever provokes such bilious attitudes in the few hearts of those I've been known to surround myself with, is entirely beyond me and yet it is of a completely regular occurance that I simply must sometimes wonder, 'Who are these people?!'In the logical sense, it simply isn't.
Not that I am all for strictly standing by the stoic means of logic, after all; one must be able to bend from standardized themes and take the chance of looking around the corner blind, but when it simply leads to a rather disgusting bout of pissing in the wind, one should perhaps recalculate their goals. I believe my goals need a wee bit of tweeking...
It's also not about the fact that I, myself, never tend to fall into this line of action, it's just that there is only so much one human soul can take. Am I beginning to comprehend precisely (if not somewhat) what it is that my own soul needs? Am I suddenly stepping forth and preparing to LOOK OUT for myself??! It nearly sounds absurd that I would be so capable of reneging my previous obligations of stroking the tender egos for certain folks I know.
I knew I should have kept to myself. Spanning out in search worthy companions has never been my forte (WITHOUT the 'ay' at the end, I say!). My 'not a joiner' trait is equalled only to a few basic observations:
-People are mad; mad I tell you! My acquaintences frighten me more than the darkened, late night floor creeks that I cannot explain. More than the scary movies I still subject myself to all alone, with my hands making tiny slits in front of my eyes while wrapped in three blankets upon my couch. More than the horrific stench of sour kraut ever wafting up to my door from the second floor (I mean, how much sour kraut can one person eat in a given week!?). I adore people, I truly do, but perhaps better still at a distance.
-Other people have opinions. Not just quaint, mindless observations, but mega "my kid is smarter than your kid," or "God is the only path that leads to salvation and shorter lines in grocery stores" inclinations. Who are you to say whether my child is a brainless barrage of tireless talk or not? Do you even know if I have offspring?? Do you care as long as you are RIGHT? No, of course not... I don't mind people having questions or turning their thoughts into broken sentences, but really, just because I'm in your glorious presence does not mean I must quickly take on your crass points of view or be punished because of my own. It's taken me YEARS to develop these tiny, torrid virtues - I'll not modify them nor shall I spread them about like virulent refuse onto your dinner plate.
-I am reasonable person (to a degree) when I'm alone. I do not have to explain myself or my actions. I do not have to give justice to my sudden urge to dance wildly about my livingroom to techno music or stand upon my coffee table to conduct Beethoven's sixth symphony. No one cares if I pick up a book three or four times only to decide I do not feel like reading. It won't matter much that I momentarily begin a cathartic theme, start crying at the moon and swoon over a piece of writing all my own. All alone, I can listen to Prairie Home Companion on a Saturday night and NOT be laughed at. The befuddled intimacy of a relationship holds no bars against my heart and I hold up none upon the heart of others (see, I'm doing all a f a v o r).
-I am a humble recluse with a rather wide array of rediculous excuses stemming from my confused, overimaginative and pathless existence.
Dear World:
Do something else.
Bye.
Laura Elaine