September 07, 2004
Ahhh, well I am glad to have sought him out today to get some actual answers, since he wasn't going to bother - communicating the resolutions of his heart. To know inside that he has let go is one thing, but to hear it is entirely another and I don't LIKE to make assumptions.Again, the harsh, obnoxious tambour of that tensed muscle inside my chest. Again, the churning motion of my belly as I search his eyes and bear down my pain. Again, the words are echoed in my ear from such a distance that I failed to reach. I had hoped he could see in MY eyes the things I KNOW of him, but perhaps all he saw was anger. And again, he has defended the scheme of 'bettering my life' by shutting the door in my face. Unwilling to try, care, hold on, make ammends, love, touch, feel, exert, talk or find a way.
I've lost my job, my income, my means of paying for school, my rare occasions on a motorcycle; my best friend, my lover, my companion, my teacher, my mentor, my laughter, my taste, my heart and my interest. Secure in nothing and not worth the trouble, the money, the time, the emotion, the future, the worry, the struggle or the hope of it all. They have forgotten my best. Overruled my reason. They know better, what I need and deserve. They held all the power and I bowed down accordingly, did all that I could, followed their orders and smiled more often than I should. Yet, they have all the power, they can take it all away. And, again, they have.
The Rhesus Monkey is a right-on synonym for the truth of my ways.
But I will no longer allow it to hurt. I will not longer allow my pain in feeling. Have your cake and icecream and whipped topping and go ahead and eat it all. Go ahead and straddle ALL the fences that you can and do what feels good NOW, in this moment, whenver. Here lies no more sympathy in the world from which it once poured out. No need - you were right - you get by better being an asshole.