July 03, 2020
In case you’re not keeping up, tomorrow is today.I done lost my shit right proper.
Worry has a way of burrowing down deep – deeper than I sometimes realize I go – and, one way or another, you need to pass it. So I write. I cry. I berate myself until I get it gone. I babble (really well). But I was surprised by a few things in the last few days.
1) My sister-in-law going through old emails came across a few stories I wrote and took the time to contact me to tell me what a good writer I am. I don’t know about the good writer part but I know how far a compliment goes and it’s pretty goddamn far. Kind of especially from her.
Don’t let the opportunity of a compliment pass you by, yo. You never know how far it will go. I used to have this book of quotes I kept for inspiration because someone before me probably (definitely) said it better and more succinctly, but also because we all need a nice diving board once in awhile to propel us gracefully toward the water. Let’s walk into a day full of optimism and not waste it. You have the sunshine right now and you never know what dark clouds lay over the person next to you. Share your sunshine. When I couldn’t find the words, I shared a quote or two to inspire, console and lift. I wanted to spread my joy and isn’t that just wonderful!? That I had all that joy?! Seriously. It’s been awhile but I had that. And it’s not lost on me that I do not have it very often now. It’s also not lost on me WHEN I have it now.
2) I am willing to do anything to be supportive and strong but I don’t know if it’s really as supportive and strong as people need me to be and that’s disappointing.
What could I do better? How could I do it better? I feel as though it’s everything that’s lacking. I want to be what you’ve been to me. No need to placate; give it to me straight. I don’t know if I CAN keep up but I want to. I’m not as afraid of things as I used to be. But that’s just a start. You are pretty daring with your straight forwardness. Like you just want to push someone over the cliff to see what they’ll do. Will they let themselves fall to the rocky bottom or will they claw and scrape their way back to the top? That’s what you want to see. It’s what you wanted to see back in the day and it’s how you watch people now it seems. You’re ready for the fall but it still surprises you. It shouldn’t. It’s easy to fall apart – it is NOT easy to maneuver the rocks back to the top. People don’t fight like they used to. Well, some of them.
3) Nothing feels like getting on a fucking bike you think you can’t ride because you haven’t for so long that you just say “fuck it” to a simple, basic joy and then, you have that opportunity and you actually TAKE IT and it is AMAZING.
The part of me I thought I lost with my apartment and having kids, is NOT gone. It’s evasive, yes, but my dumb young days on a motorcycle are not gone. They are just a bit rusty and tad more precautious. Apparently I still lose my shit when I hop onto a motorcycle. Even when it’s kid toy sized… I still shake with excitement and I still can’t calm my beating heart. SHIFT THAT FUCKER INTO FIRST GEAR and watch what happens. The only thing I can compare it to is how I always feel when I’m even ANTICIPATING you being in the same fucking room as me. I still get stupid giddy. I still can’t talk without a slight quiver. I still can’t hold a train of thought beyond the fucking beginning. I don’t do all the cool shit that everyone else does. I’m not racing. I’m not timing anything. I’m not burning through shoes or knee pucks hitting the pavement. I’m just remembering what Blackhawk feels like. Loose on the bars, easy through the curves, smooth on the speed (even if I only get it in one lap out of 15). Your eyes going where you need to go and the big FUCK YOU smile when you garner something you thought you lost. What we have and what we had aren’t so very far apart. It’s just a matter of time and suddenly I see it. I FEEL it. So if you want to discuss THAT, I’m down.
How nothing feels like that anticipation.
Don’t think I wasn’t sad. I don’t know how to explain it but I didn’t think I’d have to either I guess. I was giddy because of what it was. But stupid happiness over a pit bike is YOU all day long.
The time on a clock.
VIN numbers lining up like magic.
Gumball machines.
Stumbling through time to find you sitting next to me in a dark bar. Not unlike how I imagined it a MILLION times before…
It all started somewhere.
It’s okay if the wheels stop turning. I’m not afraid of that. Seriously.
Right when you think it’s all done, right when you think it’s over, just when you thought you wouldn’t get that same stupid shit eating grin on your face, you hop on what should be a standard, no thrills ride and YOU DO get that shit eating grin coupled with the crazy ball of excitement in the pit of your belly.
It's almost as good as chicken and dumplings.
(almost)