May 21, 2004
That's funny because I DO know what I want. I want him. I want what we had when he wanted me, too. I want a HAPPY Birthday, a back rub although I didn't request one, a day at the Zoo, an evening where you ask ME how my day was, a hand to hold when I can barely stand on my own, a loving face when I need to just break down a little instead of waiting until I explode. I want that night where he couldn't wait to kiss me and pulled over in a night full of fire flies just to come around to my door to have a kiss. I want to know that I'm not standing alone, not wandering in his world in vain, not holding his heart without reason.I want to see his heart filled with questions, doubt and fear for us and STILL hold on. I want him to find a way despite all of this because he cannot see himself without me. I want for ME to throw HIM a dozen new problems and for HIM not be able to let go. I want him to admit that it seems impossible and still walk that damn high wire. Otherwise, what have I done all these years? Did I only go too far on a whim, should I have only held on loosely and gone about my business without a real care? Would this have been the right way?
Is it really life if you don't do everything possible to hold tightly to what you want? Do you not just risk the loss of everything you desire if you only go so far? To not extend every possible angle of the situation - isn't that just giving up too soon? Damn it! I really thought he lived like that - not giving up until the job is done, not giving up when it's something worth the risk. Because if I was wrong about that, than I must also be wrong about who he was and what I saw.
But, Laura, take a look at him, now. How devastating it must be to him when his work is everything to him. How devastating it must have been to him when he knew he was invincable and then was told he has Leukemia. How devastating it must be to wonder if you're walking in your father's mistakes. How could I know? How could I REALLY know what it's like to be at my first race since being diagnosed, feel exhausted and get so frustrated because it's the Leukemia that no one can explain? Why do I have to have this disease? What did I do besides work my ass off for everyone else? Is it some sort of sign that I've done or am doing something bad?? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE ME?