Bent Words

Bent Words

June 16, 2004

Naturally, I fall into another state of frustration. I suppose this is the epitomy of him 'fucking me up.' He seemed to want my company Monday night and yet he could not ask for it. He could not directly communicate his feelings. When did all these things change - that he can not talk to me? There must be something hidden inside of him that he is afraid will escape if he should begin displaying his emotions to me. Where in the world do I stand with such little information - how can I continue to come up with the answers that are merely perceptions? Does he even realize what I perceive in him and could it matter?

We finally had a moment all to ourselves and the first thing that came to my mind was to figure US out. Yet he sat in silence. I told him that I feel he is more afraid of hurting himself than of hurting me. He's afraid of the reaction, after FOUR years, I will incur upon his family. He is afraid they will not understand. He is afraid that I'm not right for him and what would all of the 'trouble' be for in the first place. "If it's worth the worst, it's worth the risk," right? I'M afraid, not.

And what am I for all of that... I am merely the company if none other can be found. The venting post when no one else seems to hear. The sexual fires released, the assurance of his grandure, the little lass on the side whom he can throw some back with. I am the never ceasing power of conviction that we are two people meant to be. I am the last chance that cannot be lost. I am the indecision that resides questionably in your heart, the time you wish you had, the ever bending weed tossed into your tropical garden, the most minor of creatures in your life that finds the most amazing singleness of you.

No - I cannot be held on all of these things forever. I cannot be kept, merely for the fear of being lost. I should not have been detained for so long as it is and now I draw closer to the moment of desperation where unanswered questions cannot be delayed. How can I continue to put my life on such pause? How can I believe so entirely in ONE damned thing? Who has ever seen such a fool as the one that keeps presenting itself in me? What solace can be granted, what respect can be distinguished, to a soul with such indecisiveness?

Give me a damned reason to work on US, wait for US, hope for US or please make it a little less impossible to live everyday in your wake. Tell me I do not live in pure vanity! Show me the heart that I once knew, the promise of a new day, the strength in knowing that anything can be done if only it is desired. What in the world have I done with fighting so very hard, trying everything, giving in, making resolutions, compromising my stubboness if only to find that the entire world will continuously give up on ME?? How have I afforded such worthlessness?

"Take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly, and try another. But by all means, try something."

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Written at 7:38 p.m.