Bent Words

Bent Words

April 15, 2023

The world has been a bit wonky and I must admit that I haven’t been behaving as well under the pressure as I could.

The Middle Child has just finished her fourth round of antibiotics for strep. This time, she was given a pretty intense antibiotic for which she was also prescribed probiotics since it could harshly affect her gut. She already has some severe internal issues after a particularly lengthy fight with C Diff as a baby so this was a bit worrisome at best. She’s been okay but, honestly, if she tests positive again, they can shove the meds up their back ends as I’m not subjecting her to more rounds of antibiotics that aren’t working.

I went to my doctor for some advice regarding my migraine medication a couple weeks ago. I’ve been feeling unwell and perhaps the added stress of days has contributed to an overall uptick in migraines.

“It’s not working,” I said.

“Take more,” they replied.

Viola! That easy.

I broke down into tears. Dr. V just stared at me.

“What’s up, Laura?”

“I’m fine. It’s just been rough with the kiddos passing strep back and forth. I’m completely exhausted.”

We ran some tests and I have anemia and some other blood stuff going on. I can’t donate my precious blood because my hemoglobin is too low and it’s the one nice thing I do. I’m going in for a colposcopy and biopsy but I honestly just want to tell them to shove it. It’s the last thing on my mind. My vertigo is back full force and is limiting my ability to do high impact exercises. Sit ups make me throw up. Jumping jacks jumble my head to an awful degree and my heart start racing the moment I do anything where my head is below my waist. It’s ridiculous!! Normal stuff!! Brushing my hair makes me nauseous if I tilt it too much! I’m OVER it! I don’t have time for this!! I’m whittled down to three out of six days of boot camp focusing mainly on strength days where I’m not jumping onto boxes (which is my favorite thing to do if it weren’t for the vertigo) and I’m afraid the depression is rearing its ugly visage as a result.

Where I was just beginning to say that I can now do hard things, I don’t know if that’s true. Hard things are small things. Getting through a day without a nap or not puking when the room is spinning for no apparent reason...

We’re going back into the office next week and I’ve been designated to reside with my team in Hartford. I think it might be good to get away. If I can stay awake. Starting Tuesdays and then, eventually, adding in Wednesdays. Two days in the office and the remainder from home.

He started making this huge effort and it lasted a good week, maybe two, and now we’re back to square one. Or negative four. I ran off to Florida to stay with friends for a few days. Thought it would clear my head but I’m only more confused. I could fix part of this. I could change it. I know that. But to what consequence? I’m trying so hard to remain positive or GET BACK to that positive outlook that used to be ME for so long and I’m not sure it’s possible anymore! It is so scary to not find that joy I once found in traveling, being somewhere new, hanging out in some airy outdoor bar on the Bay, eating spicy shrimp with a sweaty beverage. I did get giddy in the ocean, though. The sand, the sun, the salty sea… Beers and Sublime on the radio. Suntan lotion and crunchy sand in my teeth hours later. I loved that part.

I think it’s just the company I keep.

I hope all is well in the world (times 5). There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not cheering over here on the sidelines of life.

Just a little less jumping. For now.

Written at 8:45 a.m.