Bent Words

Bent Words

March 28, 2023

I wish I could go back to undo the hurt I caused. Even if I was hurt, too, I wish I could still take it back.
If I hurt you because I felt pain, if I hurt you to try to somehow scream my own frustration or out of some stupid “eye for an eye” BS, I’m sorry. I wish I could remove it.

Because it doesn’t belong. It is not the history I see when I close my eyes. It’s not the feeling I feel when I directly address my heart and demand the truth.

I just feel how much I loved. How hard I fell.

All that hasn’t disappeared.

And so nothing can mangle that. Nothing can make it go away. So why did I try to break it? For fear of being broken? Fear of being let go?

I should have shown it more, screamed it louder, made it better, worked harder, never given up. Because I knew what I had to lose. I knew what would be missing miles down the road. I knew where my heart would always be.

Maybe it’s only hindsight. But I hate the idea that I messed up something so big. I hate that I didn’t do it right. I hate that it is the way it is when I know how precious it has always been. I hate that I might not have left everything on the table when it was all yours to begin with.

I hate that I have loved SO MUCH and that maybe you don’t know it. Because all I meant to do was show it.

I think of it every day, all the things I didn’t get right and all the things I want to say. All the love…

Written at 9:18 p.m.