October 25, 2022
"I just LOVE your energy!"
"Are you always this happy?"
"Do you even have bad days?"
I'm a fraud. Just a fraud. As disappointing as this day has been, and it's not even 8am, I am the biggest disappointment of all. A fake, a phony, a fraud.
I can be those things -- positive, energetic, happy -- for a short stint and then I cross this threshold and slide back down into the dark sludge of a Bermuda triangle of lost hope. Your dark cloud looms over me like a bad dream waiting to repeat itself. If I just kept sleeping, none of this would be happening.
"You don't have time to think about what you want for breakfast - figure it out now! This isn't a restaurant!"
"It's already 7:20am -- start getting ready!"
"If you're going to use crushed ice, switch it back to regular ice, for crying out loud!"
"You're not watching tablets -- you're getting dressed!"
I want to scream. I did just scream. Slamming doors and giant sighs. Separate floors and separate rooms. Keep the distance like a shield between us so nothing further gets snapped in half. I wish I didn't hear it all or could ignore it.
Everything out of his mouth is anger, frustration or trite EFFING BS that probably doesn't deserve a voice.
The ice type on the fridge is a B U T T O N! You want WHOLE ICE? Push the BUTTON and JOILA! You've got it! You don't even have to bitch about it to make it different -- you can just do it. You can choose to speak respectfully and NOT encourage the entire house to stand on edge. You could start the day our RIGHT but you wake up with a mission that makes my stomach twist into disdain.
You can be the difference you want to see by picking up beer cans or emptying dishwashers. You can just forego the video games and find a few matching socks! SOCKS! Call a restaurant and make a reservation. Ask a friend to watch the kids. Make it a little easier. WANT to make it a little easier.
I don't know myself well enough to know if I would be different on my own or if I would carry over all this gloom. Would I be okay or would I sink down further? Failure pressing down, judgment seeping into every crack, disappointment shouting from every mistake.
I always think of Robin Williams and what he mostly portrayed to a world around him and then I wonder what he did when he got older and things weren't quite the same. The energy fading, the illness causing questions, the strength waning. When whoever it was you were is ripped from you and you don't know who or what to be, what do you do? Nothing measures up anymore and alternative, though painful for others, would be bliss for you.
If I left, they would all blame me. But if I checked out, I wouldn't have to be around to hear about it.
If I just didn't have to upkeep appearances and try to keep it all straight. If I just didn't have to be the clown to make you smile or the heart to make you feel loved or the maid to make you feel a little less like an animal... If it just didn't all rest on my shoulders and I could breathe and I could hear myself think and know what I want and there were moments of peace, would that be enough?
"Where did you go yesterday while I was gone?" he asked.
"Uhhh, no where. Well, I took the dog for a walk," I replied.
"Nope. I'm talking when you were on the Bug Line Trail. Why did you go there? Who were you meeting?"
"I didn't go to the Bug Line Trail! I went around the block. For real."
"Not what the GPS said."
I don't know what else to say. 'Cept maybe I won't walk the dog anymore. The yard's big enough. I could lie down and bury me there easily enough. I don't know what else to say or how to get this out of my mind or off of my chest but I'm bursting through with tears and sadness and no real good answers. I always circle back to the same things and find the resolution evasive. I know it's al my fault but that doesn't make it any less defeating. I've traded my life for theirs and so this will be all that there is. The occasional purge of words and wonder and what ifs. Until I can figure out how and when to resign.