October 03, 2022
Over.
IT.
Prelude: I hate being sick and of course I was sick for a week and then felt better and then BAM! here's your fever. Lie down and be quiet while you WRITHE in joint pain. But first go pick up your son and nearly drive off the road in doing so. I can't feel better because I can't sleep. I'm off all my meds and now I don't know how to drift off. Maybe that was their only benefit but, DANG! It was a big one!
Unhappy Ground Hog's Day
Every morning starts out the same way. Someone wakes up in a bad mood. Someone cries or screams or moans about something and it stays a steady shade of overcast the whole day through. I dread the moment when I wake for, even when I'm having a bad dream, it's still a dream and it's still not here.
There are no positives.
It begins with the news. If the news stories aren't worthy, then there's something wrong with the newscaster, the election commercials, the volume variance between commercial and programming. Then it spans out and spreads its evil elsewhere...The kids aren't eating breakfast or getting ready for school. Don't actually involve yourself in the process but go ahead and yell from your sedentary position and see what kind of motivation that promotes. Listen to everyone freak out, yell, sigh and stomp and then be alerted that there's nothing to eat and nothing to wear and I'm not going to school.
Once everyone is kicked out, it's quiet consternation. Do your job, make a few mistakes, wait until the day begins to die...
Snacks for children, try to keep them quiet, lament over dinner, clean the house, fold laundry, let the dog out.
I don't get the point. There is ZERO purpose.
I do enjoy Boot Camp. I'm away for one hour. 8 miles down the road. Just enough time to get giddy. 45 minutes of people yelling at me to do one more squat, lift one more kettle bell and sprint a little faster (when one does NOT sprint). It's brutal.
But there's a purpose, a goal, an outcome, a POSITIVE. No one hates me (that I know of) and I don't know them well enough to hate them.
I want an apartment with a cat, a king-sized bed and a bookshelf. Well and a fridge for cold drinks with a freezer for ice but that was mostly obvious.
I circle around the rest EVERY DAY and I think I have to maintain this BS so that my kids don't blame me for being so effed up later so I can't quit or they'll pin whatever mountains of misery they carry around on ME. I can't give up but it's all I want to do. I honestly don't need to make it out of this alive because there's nothing to look forward to in that -- I just need to make it O U T.