Bent Words

Bent Words

December 31, 2021

Lord Huron - The Night We Met (Official Audio) - YouTube

Remind me
What it is that I should say
How it is that I should feel
Devasted or divine

Show me again
What it is you feel
And what it is
That should be mine

Tell me
Did you give up
Or did I
Or if it even matters now

Can you please
Clear the way
Let’s give in and
Just sit down

Call it
Heads or tails
Who wins and
If anyone, who fails

Cheers to us
To memories
To one more drink
And ships that refuse to sail

Auld Lang Syne

“Don’t let these things destroy you,” she said. Quietly and comfortably. Lady MacBeth has slow words. Pointed words.

She told me I didn’t need Sam and that I could shine brighter than ever before if I could just bounce back. Mistakes do happen. Life doesn’t bring you up without letting you down. That’s how you know the difference. But can you LOOK at those things and can SEE past them?

Despite the pain. Despite the confusion. Or, with it, perhaps. A positive attitude gives you power over your circumstances instead of your circumstances having power over you.

So I’m going to plow forward with hard work and a grin. I’m going to turn my computer camera on and I’m going to tell funny stories to WAKE UP THE WORLD. If I’m not being recorded, I’m going to swear. If there’s no proof, I’m going to be a little bit lewd. I’m going to listen to you even if you’re not my favorite person. I’m going to be here and give you all a chance. A chance to grow and love and lead.

“Be you. Don’t change for anyone. I see great things for you. If you EVER need to bounce something off someone, I’m your girl – doesn’t matter the day or time. Be happy!”

“I hate the name Carl,” he said.

“That was going to be my name if I were a boy,” I replied, giggling.

Seriously. It was. But mostly when I think of Carl, I think of Llamas with Hats and I die laughing.

‘CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARL! There is a dead human in our house!’

Great ice breaker.

I’ve been passed around, moved, held in attrition, bounced up and down, trained for a position I would never fill, watched the mass layoffs in fear and have had more managers in a three-year span than I should have had in a lifetime. But such is change. They wanted to revamp things so they put a bunch of people who don’t know what we do in charge of telling us what to do and how to do it. Therefore there was no forward movement.

We stalled out.

And I was fed up with the broken promises and uncompensated time so I stopped, too.

“I’m going to miss you,” he said. “I really appreciate people who can work hard and have fun at the same time. I don’t take myself seriously at all. I’m just here to do a job and have the best time I can have doing it and I saw a lot of that in you.”

“I’m going to miss you, too, Jimmy,” I replied.

“You are an awesome employee. Your enthusiasm and energy is contagious. You are the ideal person to be in front of a client. Huge loss for us. Plus, there’s something intriguing about a motorcycle mom who lovingly talks shit about her kids. I hate that we won’t be working together once they are teenagers because you have some good material.”

Maybe I thought everyone was blowing smoke up my rear because I didn’t hear it. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t even get what they were talking about. Did they just say these things to get me to do more for less money? I would be a fool to stick around.

Wouldn’t I?

My new boss was BOSS. BALLER BOSSMAN. He kept telling me not to leave. He kept telling me it’s okay if I needed to cry.

“I’m too loud,” I said.

“Bring it louder,” he replied.

“I’m too lascivious,” I argued.

“Try to offend me,” he replied.

“I swear if you aren’t recording the meetings,” I explained.

“Than there’s no proof, right?” he countered.

Well, okay then.

“Thanks, KG! I suck! I finally get put into a position that feels like home and I up and leave,” I regressed.

“You are always welcome. I am excited to see how you continue to develop and grow. You have a bright future here Laura! I’ll be your mentor and we’ll get you to the right place soon enough. I’m not worried.”

Well, I am. It always seems like I’m too late. I didn’t realize it in time and now here I am, wondering a million times over, “What the fuck if?”

If I can’t change, will it be okay? If I can’t move, will I still go on? If 2021 has showed me anything, it’s that the sun doesn’t always have to shine to make your life a brighter place to be. Sometimes the bad things are the best things to happen. Sometimes you’re scared just before you realize you have no fear. Sometimes just being the vastly imperfect you is truly enough.

RIP Paulette and John Madden and 2021.

I’m not brave enough yet for all the things but I will be someday. And I bet you I won’t recognize it when I am. But there she goes, yo! There she goes!

Written at 3:56 p.m.