Bent Words

Bent Words

February 07, 2021

Sunday, February 7, 2021, 08:35:40 AM CST

After I take my meds, I have about a one hour window of lucidity. Beyond this point, I cannot keep my eyes open. I cannot put away groceries, cook dinner, drive a vehicle, carry a tune, properly whistle or otherwise concentrate on... what was I saying??

I am beyond. Gone. Done. Unrousable. Not just drowsy, but basically mostly dead. It doesn’t matter what you want or who you are – it doesn’t discriminate.

“I would have done this, this and that but I got stuck with Mister.”

Oh you got STUCK with him? Sorry about that. I will explain to him how he should not bother us after 9pm since that’s pretty unrealistic for our schedules. I’ll write it down for him in case he forgets. Sticky notes should do the trick.

I sent him your way because he was crawling and crying all over the place and yet I couldn’t keep my eyes open long enough to save him. Sorry for the hassle. Pardon the burden. I don’t mean to be so angry and I don’t want to be so mad.

I WANT to just love.

JUST. Love.

But I’m stuck here where I can’t seem to. Out of laughs, drained of energy, lacking all the luster.


Find it, girl. Find it.

It started out as a one-sided snowball fight. Thick, packing snow molded to perfection. The snowflakes swirling through the air around me, the trees re-covered and smothered in white and my truck thoroughly cleaned and getting re-covered in mere moments and the dog leaping through the snow like a dolphin through the wide open sea and I couldn’t help myself.

“Little giiiiiirl! I have a surprise for yoooooou!”

Middle Child turned around just in time for my snowball to SMACK her directly in the face. That’ll learn her to take a day off of school for the sniffles! I honestly thought she was going to cry but luckily she did not. She chased me around and I let her hit me.

The girls inside, I stayed out to play. I sang the songs while cleaning off the vehicles and it occurred to me that I haven’t built a damn snowman in ages. I didn’t even know if I could do it. So I just dug in. And a I built a ball too heavy to carry so it became the obvious base. The next ball was also too heavy to carry so it became another base for a second snowman. The girls crept out from the garage door carefully.

“Can we play, too, Momma?” The Big One asked.

And there they are. One with and one without arms (we all have challenges) but there they are. With a few baby snowpeople surrounding them. The Middle Child lost a boot, the Big Kid fell over in the hefty depths of while and all the while, I laughed.

That’s better.

It can’t all be anger and sadness. Some of it has to be tumbling in the snowy outdoors where the air is quiet and thick with white. Some of it has to be better than the day before.


So now I walk. A lot. Treadmill hits me up, the dog hits me up and I cannot hide in here forever.


I have no where else to go so I go around here. But I went to my folks place at the lake not long ago with Mister and the dog.

“We get lonely, Little Girl.”

And even though my presence brings the chaos, I could tell they loved it. Just us. Just for a night in the middle of winter. With a dog that will only walk with me and a Mister who will only scream if I’m out of sight. I wish it were enough for me to feel at ease but even my safehouse didn’t save me this time.

I get lonely too.

Tell me it’s okay

That it worked out this way

With the world I lived in behind me

And whatever I was supposed to be

Wherever that is

Lost and insecure

A little less than there was before

There are these seconds where I’m okay

But that not here, not today

I’m just sad

So tell me it’s okay

That I’m not that brave

That I cannot walk away

That I’m here

For now, anyway

Crumbled in the corner

Crying in the dark

Wondering where I was

When I lost the spark

Please tell me it’s okay

That I don’t know what to say

The equation illudes me

The questions weigh me

The day just strands me

I miss the show of my breath

The crunch of my feet

On the cold, icy earth

Where we would meet

I miss the stars in the sky

And the light of the firefly

Illuminating the dark

I miss the swell of my soul

All the things no one knows

I cannot say it’s okay

That it’s better this way

Because I don’t know

If I’ll ever meet me again

(sure as hell won’t be today)

But tonight, though it’s cold

I’ll be dancing in the snow

Happy for a moment

Before I let go


Saturday sucks.

I’m trying to rock the baby to sleep but the Big Kid is sitting on the pool table in the basement laughing at her little sister because she is a tiny terrorist skilled only in torment to the third degree. Middle Child is screaming and crying while K-Dog is working and the baby is no longer sleeping.

“Get out of the house,” I told her.

“Wait, what?” she replied.

“Get out. Of the house!” I retorted.

Mind you, it’s 20 degrees below zero and I didn’t give her time to grab a hat or mittens.


I’m a horrible mom. Can’t Keep my cool. Can’t dally in reason or mildly accept the sibling rivalry. Instead I deal out death blows. I sent her away and she ended up with the neighbor’s kids and she was fine but I had to ask around to find out where she was and then explain that I kicked my kid out of the house in 45 degree below zero temps.

Time to start drinking.

Drove to my happy place to buy more coils and vape juice and finally the baby slept while I drove around contemplating my existence and wondering if I should stay or if I should go. But go where?


“Do you have that screenshot of Fishdom with Mark the Shark?” Sam asked.

“No, why?! Are you WITH him? Because if you are, then I know he doesn’t love me and that makes me want to cry!” I replied.

“We’re in Mukwonago – come out here!”

Uhhhh, too late, my magistrate. I’m already half in the bag and ready (READY) for bed because that means that today can die. Then they all hopped onto one phone to scream at me in between libations.

BQ, HQ, Hashbrown, Mark the Shark and Samsquatch. All of them. Together. Without me.

10 more texts, phones calls and Snapchats pleading with me to join them.

"Are you good and settled now?" Sam inquired.

Yes. I am a fucking toddler who is now good and settled.

Have fun, folks.


Written at 8:43 a.m.