September 27, 2020
I suck at writing.I’ve had a handful of people tell me I don’t but I do. Maybe just a little bit less than others but, let’s be real – a couple motorcycle mags doesn’t count for much anymore.
I want to say a million things and it seems like they are DIFFERENT every God damn day. Sometimes I’m here, sometimes I’m there and sometimes I’m just lost as hell. Sometimes I know what I want and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes what that is changes in four hour increments. I honestly cannot imagine how irritating I must be.
But I always love and I never let go.
And death is still shocking no matter how many times you trip over it.
It’s why I want to revise everything I’ve ever thought. Because of the brevity of it all. Because what else is there? Because regrets suck and uncertainty is certain. Because I never flew out to California to try to be a writer or a personal assistant or a media rep or a fucking dog walker during the week to support my writing habit. Because I should have gone to school in Paris. Because Mexico seemed a bit scary before I knew death so well. Fuck it – it’s not so bad now. Because Texas is fun and friendly and no one was meant to sit in one spot for their entire life. It’s so big out there so let’s go explore it!
I can’t always be where I want to be. And right now I want to run.
I want it to be rooftop too hot because you’re closer to the sun. I want to drink a Corona and watch Chuck carefully place the lime, squeeze it on the rim of the bottle and turn the whole thing upside down without making it rain fucking beer. I could always get it until that last part. I want to destroy his deck again in the heat of summer with ashtrays carefully placed every three feet and a bottle of Schnapps every six. I want to be at the Ash when he jumps behind the bar to help out when he’s not getting paid (but for the pleasure).
One more gathering, one more get together, one more ride home, one more hug.
I want to know what the FUCK it is that I should do.
I can’t always be where I want to be. Or I’d be there now.
Cheers with every beer
A sigh, a drop of the shoulders and a smile
Like you were holding your breath and only just letting it go
My whole soul breaks at the random memories. My entire body shakes. My mind is sort of missing and I don’t know if it will ever be right.
It just hurts like it hurt before. Like the first time. When I searched every face in every passing car or blanked out altogether with a flashback. It hurts like a question you don’t get an answer to. When you fucking KNOW how it should be but it isn’t. You feel like the only person in the world who has felt this way. Like it will never be okay.
Like you cannot be where you’re supposed to be so you finally give in and do something different somewhere else but then the world tips over and spills you out onto the same road, in the same space, at the same FUCKING time and so you sit there for a second and you cannot breathe because this moment has been carefully untucked away for about a millennium but in all of that time, you never contemplated what the FUCK it was you were supposed to do so you fumble. You fumble the fucking ball because of how excited you were to hold it. You fumble the ball because you weren’t ready. You fumble the fucking ball because maybe you’re not good at this.
So you sit back and you try to write about it and it suddenly becomes apparent that, even at this, you are not so good.
You can’t always be where you want to be and you suck at writing.
But at least something fits.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GZc8r-JNBA
Come up to meet you
Tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh, and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start