August 05, 2020
8/4/2020Days like today are always followed by days like yesterday.
Days where I’m ok. Days where I didn’t freak the fuck out over every little thing. Days where I’m not impossible and I don’t walk down impossible paths with impossible pockets filled with impossibly large rocks of worry and doubt and expectation. Days like yesterday – where I’m okay – are the fluke. Where I log out on time and leave the day behind and ponder the possibility of scratching off this lottery ticket that’s been sitting on my desk for 3 months.
Days like today are the norm. Full of mistakes, tears and doubt. Knocking me down before I can really get up in the first place.
So which part is really wrong? That I’m so fucking hard on myself for every little error or that I fuck up so often? I mean, yes, if I didn’t fuck up so often, I wouldn’t be so hard on myself but how do you justify the mistakes to yourself and your boss when every dollar counts? Who’s keeping score, anyway? IS someone keeping score?!
WHERE THE FUCK IS THE SCORECARD!? It’s right here where your current employment is, btw.
I know how I rate in my head and that’s not very good. The silent words play over and over and I don’t know how to quiet them.
“Of course you fucked this up.” “Way to go, moron!” “Useless.” “Failure.” “MEHHHH! WRONG. Try again!”
And yet I’m always surprised that I fucked something up because it’s certainly not intended. FAR the fuck from it! But once it comes up, me and myself have some good hate speeches over drinks and I wonder (sometimes), when I’m too tired to worry anymore, if this is the kind of crap that keeps people from pursuing the impossible. The fear. The failure. The tormenting. Is my fear of failure preventing me from trying some pretty cool shazz? Probably. I need to learn to pick myself up better. Dust myself off. Hit the road again.
Own it and move on. Own it and move on.
Instead, I mostly just wonder what the point is.
8/5/2020
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ss-tNM2NXd0
Sometimes I'm beaten
Sometimes I'm broken
'Cause sometimes this is nothing but smoke
Is there a secret?
Is there a code?
Can we make it better?
'Cause I'm losing hope
Tell me how to be in this world
Tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt
Tell me how could I believe in something
I believe in us
After the wreckage
After the dust
I still hear the howling, I still feel the rush
Over the riots, above all the noise
Through all the worry, I still hear your voice
So, tell me how to be in this world
Tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt
Tell me how 'cause I believe in something
I believe in us
Tell me when the light goes out
That even in the dark we will find a way out
Tell me now 'cause I believe in something
I believe in us
Used to be kids living just for kicks
In cinema seats, learning how to kiss
Running through streets that were painted gold
We never believed we'd grow up like this
So tell me how to be in this world
Tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt
Tell me how 'cause I believe in something
I believe in us
Tell me when the light goes out
That even in the dark we can find a way out
Tell me now 'cause I believe in something
I believe in us
I believe in something
And I believe in us