May 14, 2020
I’m not interested in today.I know everyone else is. The bars I would normally go to – people went to them yesterday and they’ll probably go again today. I could get away and go and say hey.
Migraine last night kept me down and now I only feel like I’m not going to yarf for the first half hour of taking 1500mg of acetaminophen.
I just want to go back to sleep and hibernate for a while.
Maybe for a long while.
Until there’s no work I need to do. No surfaces sticky from whatever the fuck it is no one bothered to clean up. Until I don’t care enough to yell or sigh or feel so utterly disappointed.
You can stop feigning to try so hard because it’s not going to change anything. Other than annoying me more. I don’t need a fucking hug or a hand squeeze.
A LITTLE DISTANCE maybe.
My world is still too small. I thought it would feel bigger today but it feels tighter somehow. Restricting. Like everything I could do if I weren’t stuck here.
And all the people reaching out while they had nothing else to do; they won’t reach out anymore I’m sure.
Which is fine.
Go out. Go celebrate.
Go see people, say hi. Give some hugs, get some drinks.
Meet someone new.
Spend some money and get home safely.
I’ll still be stuck but that’s my fault, my problem.
I just need to get the tears out and feeling sorry for myself usually does the trick nicely.
I don’t know how to say all the things pressing up against me so I apologize because it’s all on the tip of my tongue but instead of just asking the questions, checking in and making sure everything is OK, I’m just going to spin in circles for a bit.
And hope with all my heart that everything’s OK.