Bent Words

Bent Words

May 04, 2019

I lost it LOUD tonight. Pretty sure that with the windows up and the birds fussing, the whole neighborhood heard my cries of anger. I'm just so frustrated with so many things and, again, just like usual, I toss it out there to those who probably deserve it the least... Or maybe the most, I'm not entirely certain.

It started a couple days ago when a person I work with every day made me feel like it's not okay to be who I am.

Her existence is significant to me only in that she is within range and acts like a heavy boulder tied to my ankle with a rust old chain, dragging me down instead of ever lifting me up. Just the idea of this person makes me feel heart heavy and gut sick.

She is a hypocritical, self-proclaimed Christian whose values do not align with whatever it is that I thought a Christian person would be. She is rude, arrogant and -- as she herself stated -- judgy.

Her environment needs to be carefully controlled and self-contained in order for her existence to thrive. Since she is old, fragile and unsuited for outside stimuli, I can only hope that her breed will thusly crawl off into a dark place and linger there until the Lord calls her home...

It's nasty to say and immediately, I can't keep it up -- the anger. Pointing my fingers in blame when I'm so fearful of having those same fingers pointed at me.

I know I've walked fast, ambled slow and raced rampant down a lot of streets through a lot of miles in this life and in the process hurt a few hearts when it was the furthest thing from my true intentions. I think about that a lot because if I could take that part back, I would. I'd be friends with all my exes so I could walk on knowing hate didn't linger. So I could justify my feelings of pure love instead of mixed exultations. If I could show you how deep this river of adoration runs... But right now, I need to get mad and hurt someone because I don't know how to keep containing my frustration when I'm being walked all over. That's how it's been in the past too.

I was a kid in school when they teased me about my hair, my glasses, my teeth, my whatever. And instead of striking back, I wrote it down. I put hard words on paper. Evil words. Cruel words. Because that's how I felt in the heat of the moment. But, naturally, as it has always been for me, the people in charge only see the one side. The bad side. The bad side that I'm standing on at that moment. They didn't see the rest. The endless nights of tears, the fear of returning to school, of getting rocks thrown at me from school bus windows, the rejection and schoolyard disdain. They weren't following me. They were just ready to step in if they saw something wrong and I feel like I've almost always been wrong. Or at least standing there in the wrong at that moment when they were watching.

And I've always assumed the error even before it's properly owned.

I've been that little kid with the stupid teeth and thick hair that's needs hourly brushing. I've been too loud and too unruly, too in love and too crazy to keep contained. Too worried about what everyone thinks of me and too entranced in the idea of love/friendship/meant-to-bes.

I'm not formed very well, I suppose. So intent to do the right thing that I almost INSTANTLY trip on my own eagerness, falling in a miserable heap on the ground. I work so hard to see it all that I miss the damn forest for the grass leading up to the bushes pushing out toward the trees. So slow so I won't miss a thing that I get left behind looking lost and pathetic, wondering where everyone went.

Standing here, alone again, wondering what to do with all the feelings my heart is bursting with. The things I didn't say, the words I wanted to add, the actions I meant to pounce on, the letters written when no one was watching anymore. I'm always there, just a step behind, trying desperately to keep up but still lagging behind.

I've been sure of so many things. I've been so unsure about many more. When will I know what's right? When will I do what's right? When will I know that losing is okay and that I've won anyway? When will it all make so much sense and hurt so few and I'll walk away in confidence? Because I have done that before. I've walked into something that seemed so wrong to everyone else but felt so right to me and somehow it only proved to be something I couldn't hold entirely onto! Is that just a regret or a stepping stone onto something different? Is that life telling me that I won't always just know and that I have to stab at it a few times and just hope it will make sense in the long run?

When will they stop treating me like I can be something other than what I am at this fucking age? When will I stop trying to be something different at this fucking age!? This is it now. This is all I've got. It's not great! It's not easy! It's not beautiful! I'm still loud, maybe louder. I'm still big, definitely bigger. I'm still scared and I don't know how to stop being scared! I don't know how to stop waiting for people to throw rocks. And for fuck's sake, I don't know how to stand up to those people and tell them to stop. Somehow, I feel like I deserve it.

No one reads this now so no one can answer these questions but I wish I could hit the right note in a song of sorry. I wish you could feel the love and the confusion and bad judgment calls and the "I wonder ifs" and feel the embraces I still want to give. I wish you could know because someone should. Maybe I never will myself but that doesn't mean I'll stop trying.

To love love LOVE as hardcore as always.

Didn't mean to hurt you when you have been the one to form me in the first place. It should have looked like gratitude but I suppose it looks like hell now. Messy and unconvincing.

How many times I've thought I'm striking out on the right path only to find that this isn't the Yellow Brick Road OR just the opposite.

I know I've walked fast, ambled slow and raced rampant down a lot of streets through a lot of miles in this life and in the process hurt a few hearts when it was the furthest thing from my true intentions. Forgive my confusion, please. Forgive me my inability to keep the fuck up. Forgive me my anger when I don't know where I'm going or even where I've been. I realize it all too late and have nothing left but the apologies I didn't know I needed.

It's always going to be this way. I'm too slow for the right road and never quick enough to pull out in time to do the least damage. Tell me to turn right and I go left. Tell me I have all I need and I'll have to stop to reevaluate. I never know what I have until I've reflected the loss and I don't know if I know what I want anyway.

I can't go back to do it different so I hope this will do.

Written at 7:43 p.m.