March 09, 2019
"They look at me like that because I'm O L D. 'What business does she have in getting pregnant again anyway? She already has a couple of the rodents!' their eyes say. And then there's my father...""I hope this it. I mean it," he says with finality.
"Laura. They are NOT looking at you because you're old. You look like a young, beautiful woman, you know." I'm not paying my therapist in monetary returns so I blush, thinking he might just be right.
Sorry, folks. I gave up living my life in accordance to how others think I should live it a long ass time ago. Full of fire and few apologies. And, have you met before?! I'm Slightly Stoopid and mostly stubborn. Yeah, I got a little soggy recently, worrying over the acidic drops of uncertainty falling too closely to my unprotected head but I'm starting to get back that umbrella of protection, that shell of something harder than the fluff of a few added pounds. It is my book and I'll make the edits I choose, thank you.
Besides, what others think of me is none of my business.
I'm four weeks into a miscarriage that has dragged out longer than the Grey's Anatomy series. It should of been canceled awhile ago but here I am, struggling to find the right steps again. It won't be a straight ascension into clarity and none of it promises to be easy but the best parts of my life haven't been. Striking out on my own, rebuilding after heartache and destruction, marriage, one kid, two kids, a new career -- giving up the pieces of me that once defined me to the core... Damn, it's been a rough ride.
And it's only going to get more complicated this year. With my job, with the possibility of trying again, without living the *ME* parts I want to live.
So judge me harshly but if you're not here to support me then go do something different somewhere else. I've got enough odds against me, I don't need more. It might all blow up in my face again and if does, be ready with the Ketel One, please (Grapefuit and Rose), and a ride home if necessary.
It promises to be a long night & I'm only just getting started.
CHEERS!