Bent Words

Bent Words

February 13, 2019

I had an appointment on 1/28 with my OB to confirm my pregnancy and was about 6 weeks and 4 days along. K-Dog and the girls came with me and waited in the waiting room until I was finished. The girls were both peeking around the corner and little A said, “Momma, did the baby have a heart? Did he?" as I walked down the hallway toward them.

The baby did have a heart and a strong little heartbeat flickered on the screen. The tears rolled down my cheeks and my own heart skipped a few beats.

I didn't know it until Monday but the baby only lived for another 3 or 4 days.

We confirmed this past Monday that the baby did not make it and yesterday I took Misoprostol to move the extrication process along.

For two months, I was entirely and absolutely elated. All the questions and doubts that went through my head as we were trying to conceive completely disappeared. The worry and wonder were replaced with an undeniable confidence that this was the right decision and I doubt that anything else has ever felt more right. I got up early to use our treadmill in the basement to work out for a ½ hour, I was eating really well and averaging about 8-9 hours of sleep (albeit disturbed sleep but that didn’t matter) per night. I read every article about every day of my pregnancy, I sang in the shower and I began cooking and cleaning with a newfound fervor. K-Dog commented that he has never seen me happier.

So when nothing came up on the monitor on Monday, I was absolutely shocked and completely crushed.

I’m not much for keeping secrets so I let the cat out of the bag the moment I knew I was pregnant. Co-workers kind of looked at me in shock rather than in happiness. I’m old, I know, and I’m nuts, I dig it. 3 kids?! At my age?! But however their stupid expressions may have melted me before, they had no effect on me while I was celebrating the 9/19/19 due date for our newest family member. I had no patience for them, no affinity toward their opinions, no shits to give for their whispered thoughts.

Sunday night I bought Valentines cards intended to be from the baby to all of our family members... But I do not regret a single, elated moment of my absolute adoration of you, Lost Little One. We all loved every second of you.

Written at 10:53 a.m.