June 15, 2018
What you got, what you GOT?!Make it quick, make it HOT
I got ten minutes free
Alexa, play some 80's for me!
(WTF Alexa -- next song, please)
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Work schmerk has me reeling right now. Weeks ago they stated they're dissolving our department and have a few scattered spots available in other areas where we might make a good fit... Might. And, if not, "Thank you for your time and dedication to our company." Weeks of biting the skin around my fingernails, forgetting a detail here and to return a phone call there but this attrition is just what we needed to make the less than savory employees scatter like kicked up grouse from a field. I'm holding my own but circling around in a pool of indecision...
Deep end dive or do I keep swimming in the shallows?
What is best for me and my family and why can't it be a choice between motorcycle racing teams or living out my ridiculous, southern cowgirl, Nascar dreams?
No, this a choice between what I don't really want to do next and where I don't really want to commute to next. Excellent choices! But I work hard so I think I've got a spot for as long as they are willing to keep me around or I'm willing to stick it out. Health insurance + stellar daycare rates dictate most of this but I also just a got a raise so I'm thinking they'll keep me around for at least one more stroll about the sun.
Otherwise daycare just got a lot cheaper...
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To my skating instructor, Penny, who elegantly glided across that waxed wood floor:
I never knew your tune was sung by Billy Joel but here we are, rolling together an awful lot lately. Thanks for trying to make me better than I was. It didn't stick but it sure wasn't for lack of determination! You tried to make those landings stick as badly as I did. And maybe more.
We shared good times and great tunes. We passed balls of fire back and forth like footballs tucked in tightly. We spoke with our eyes, watched with our hearts and followed no one. They all followed us for awhile, didn't they?
I'll remember you savvy and sassy instead of dead in the eyes, full of wonder and surprise. Is that where time takes you when you tag out of the game? Leave me here at the exit before, please.
I miss you.
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I still pick up my feet where you used to sleep
Such a good little girl who deserved better than me
It will always haunt me that I just walked away
But we couldn't keep you and you couldn't stay
My lovely little lady
Did you know how much I hate good byes?
I miss you
Oh how I miss you, too
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Well last week sucked balls.
My oldest ran away from home when we wouldn't turn to the left upon exiting the driveway a pie. It's like the "YOU didn't let ME turn off the light, MOM!" temper tantrum but louder because this one's bigger.
She also does this super creepy thing when I reprimand her. She sits there and stares at me with her head turned down and to the side. Her mouth hangs slightly open and her eyes somehow penetrate your soul and offer it threats of a tortuous death.
Not sure how she got so serious about hating me but DAMN.
I can only imagine that it's not going to get easier but my decision to start using birth control just become a lot clearer.
We came across a little girl a bit older than her on one of our walks. This girl is pretty kooky so I like her. She dresses like Punky Brewster and doesn't wear shoes and her hair is rarely combed through but that doesn't seem to bother her in the least. Her name is Victoria and that's another reason I like her. She has three little dogs, all annoying because they nip at you (of course they do -- just like little men!), and of course my big kid had to play with all of them and fall in love. Before we left Victoria's driveway, my kid says, "Can I have one of your dogs?"
"Honey, you can't just ask people for their pets."
"But she has three!"
"Right. But you still can't ask them for their pets."
She stomped off down the road with her big, unfortunate feet, leaving me and her little sister in the dust. When we finally caught up and I asked her why she was still mad, she said she has been working so hard for FOREVER to get a dog and she will NEVER get one. I didn't ask her WHAT work she has been doing but apparently my facial expression imparted that thought silently for she turned away with an actual GROWL and headed back home without us.
I wonder now, worriedly, what people must think of our family as we march on with open summer windows, waning patience and carrying voices.
To all my neighbors... I tried saying it quietly the first four times but now you know what FED UP sounds like and it's not quiet.
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Alexa -- 80's ballads please
I see your smile sometimes, sitting here alone in the dark
The music, a moment, a memory - and I see that old spark
Of a glittering sun that has forgotten to go down
Beating hot summer rays on the south side of town
Of a thousand tracks which seemed to have us in mind
When they began signing of a love of this kind
And that's where I leave you like you've left me before
Still holding the past like an uncloseable door
So I see you only in statements that don't mean a thing
"He's older, he's happy and he's wearing a ring"
He's a picture, a portrait, a golden silhouette
All the things that by now I thought I'd forget
The rider that passes and winks as he waves
Head tilted to the side behind a pair of dark shades
(And I know how your feet sit on the pegs
How the race left the space between the pavement and my legs)
The burst of loud laughter
And I shut the door to a world unaware
How I am left breathless that you might have been there
I can still remember
The words and what they meant
As we etched them with our fingers
In years of wet cement
The days blurred into each other
Though everything seemed clear
We cruised along at half speed
But then we shifted gears
We ran like vampires from a thousand burning suns
But even then we should have stayed
But we ran away
Now all my friends have gone
Maybe we've outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone?
Identities assume us
As nine and five add up
Synchronizing watches
To the seconds that we lost
I looked up and saw you
I know that you saw me
We froze but for a moment
In empathy
I brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug
You gave my emptiness a name
And you ran away
Now all my friends have gone
Maybe we've outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone?
We're all OK, until the day we're not
The surface shines, while the inside rots
We raced the sunset and we almost won
We slammed the brakes, but the wheels went on
But we ran away
Now all my friends have gone
Maybe we've outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone?
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Alexa -- shuffle songs by The Cult
[do you smell the grease, slicked upon the concrete
the looks upon people only your eyes would meet
- sweat and torque wrenches and saturday night -
do you feel the thunder of our footfalls each time we dared walk away
or the magnetizing pull each time we decided to stay
do you drink a few beers and see my silhouette
or is this a love song you have chosen to forget?
the kiss that undid us as we tried not to fall
how I knew that with you, I had no power at all
make it so obvious to me once again
tell me that it's not just a memory of way back when
what you got for me now
what you got, what you got?
make it quick, make it HOT
I got this whole life ahead of me
unless there's nothing left to see]
Where we are, where we are
Where we were
Just a blur
What we do, what we do
What we know
But, OH, what we knew!
This life taught me how to love
But not how to let go
So I let it sit on the side
Just off to one side of the road
I turn back and look back and here's what I see
What I know it must be, it must be
It must be me
Lost but not free
For you taught me how to love, how to LOVE
But not to let go
So I'll sit here for a moment
On the side of the road