November 24, 2013
I started this yesterday, this document. This blank page. This whole writing thing that I haven�t done in how many years�Staring at my screen in complete silence. Waiting. Waiting for a word or two to spew out. And they did. One word became seventeen and I felt the rhythm return to my fingers. They weren�t great words, highly intoxicating thoughts or moving revelations � they were just words and they felt pretty damn good. Momma got her groove back.
And then my f�ing computer shut down on me and deleted my document. My sappy little start is no more. Now I�m pissed. Pissed and scared my computer is going to reject me again due to neglect. So let�s get this ball rolling.
What have I been up to lately? A lot. A whole lotta nuthin�. Been battling some depression � a condition for which I had no empathy prior to being on the receiving end. Because you know you have tackled bigger, more massive situations than this, it�s hard to admit that something undefinable has taken you down a notch (or twenty). It�s really hard to admit. But I saw it plain as day, sinking further into my bones like an added weight to an already burdened soul and so I sought assistance in the form of counseling.
It could have to do with the fire. Changing careers after being in the industry for eleven years in the very midst of attempting to garner a new home directly after the fire. Meeting my future husband three months after that, having him move in with me and then getting pregnant and then moving again before the year was out. Getting married, having a baby, having another home burn down, moving into a house, spending my money -- and all within the next year. It could have been any one of these things and there I was, smashing it all into a very short period of time. Not because I wanted to but because I had to. I had to adjust. Quickly and without any premeditation. I had to change my stripes without a moment�s notice. Nothing was familiar anymore. Nothing was safe or certain. Nothing was� me, really.
I�ve handled a lot. And I�ve handled it beautifully. I mean, not beautifully, but about as good as anyone else stumbling through life�s little obstacles.
And I haven�t regretted any of it. Not at all. But that doesn�t change the fact that it was all so BIG. Doesn�t change the fact that I�ve been on high alert, fast forward mode, just trying to keep up. So in all that, I may have neglected me a little bit.
It could have certainly had to do with the fires, the baby, the marriage, the house, the job -- the massiveness of it all. It could have had to do with all that and I�m sure it did. But what I know even more certainly now, after seeking help, not ignoring this blockage in my heart and adjusting medications, is that I�m lacking a bit of serotonin. In order to be the best mother, wife, employee and homeowner, I need a little chemical adjustment for a while to get me back on my game. That�s all. It�s nothing I have done or have not done. It�s not something you just snap out of or I would have done that already. It�s not a condition for which I should be ashamed for it has nothing to do with the things I can control.
It�s just there. And it sucks. But I�m fixing it. I�m making the move to make me better. I�m working on it and one day I�ll be me again or I�ll be whoever I�m supposed to be. Just without the blockage in my appreciation for life and all the gifts I have.
For I have some really kickass gifts right in front of me.
I have a husband who tells me every day that I�m beautiful. I have not seen the inside of a grocery store in a year because he takes care of the shopping which I dread. He is responsible for the baby should she get up in the middle of the night. He wants me all the time. Not just physically but emotionally. He wants to talk, to share, to discover, to help, to love and be a better man. He doesn�t hide inside of his thoughts or build resentment or judge me or doubt me. Ever. He isn�t afraid to say it how it is and never needs coaxing to open up. He is a gentleman to the very core and works his ass off every day to provide for us. With everything going on, I never need to question his adoration for me. It�s so solid and so true. He has never tried to change me or squelch me or talk over me or dismiss me. He wants all of me. He respects me. He is my best friend. He is my partner.
I have the most amazing daughter in the entire world. A savvy little bundle of love and perfection. She is the very depth of my heart and the entire width of my ability. She encompasses everything I�ve ever done right and amazes me every day. I�m proud of her little march, her sense of humor, the way she puts on her coat, her hat and shoes and says bye at the end of the day. She just knows what�s next and doesn�t question the simplicity of it all. I�m not a great mom and I know I could be so much better but she has really showed me how great I can be. I made her, I nursed her for over a year, I found a patience inside me I didn�t know I had and, most importantly, I made it. I made through all of it.
And here we all are in our little house in the middle of a small community of amazing neighbors and friends who look out for each other and stand watch to protect us as though we were their family, too. And how did I ever deserve all of this? This house with its 2.5 bathrooms, gas fireplace, hot tub and half acre of land. It�s all mine. My family�s. I own it. I made it. I live it. I love it.
I lost a lot but gained more than I could possibly produce in my wildest dreams.
I�ve had setbacks with the depression, but I�m not broken or beyond repair. I�m just a little off right now. And I�m getting better.
So here�s to the fight. Here�s to trying every day not to judge those whose battles we cannot begin to know, regardless of how big or small they may seem. Here�s to the patience we must all evolve into if we are to evolve at all. Here�s to forgiveness. For others and especially ourselves. I know I have a hard time forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made but I have apologized all I can and I have to now move on because those mistakes do not define the me that is here, right now. I got to start over. I got another chance. Life hit reset and now I�m here, somewhere different doing something else.
I really miss the things I�ve already written, the things I have lost which were familiar and wonderful to me. I mourn that loss often and like to look back once in a while. But there�s something to be said about standing tall in front of this blank page for which I am eternally grateful.
This fresh, blank page full of what I�ve yet to write.
So let�s get this ball rolling.