Bent Words

Bent Words

November 24, 2013

I started this yesterday, this document. This blank page. This whole writing thing that I havenít done in how many yearsÖ

Staring at my screen in complete silence. Waiting. Waiting for a word or two to spew out. And they did. One word became seventeen and I felt the rhythm return to my fingers. They werenít great words, highly intoxicating thoughts or moving revelations Ė they were just words and they felt pretty damn good. Momma got her groove back.

And then my fíing computer shut down on me and deleted my document. My sappy little start is no more. Now Iím pissed. Pissed and scared my computer is going to reject me again due to neglect. So letís get this ball rolling.

What have I been up to lately? A lot. A whole lotta nuthiní. Been battling some depression Ė a condition for which I had no empathy prior to being on the receiving end. Because you know you have tackled bigger, more massive situations than this, itís hard to admit that something undefinable has taken you down a notch (or twenty). Itís really hard to admit. But I saw it plain as day, sinking further into my bones like an added weight to an already burdened soul and so I sought assistance in the form of counseling.

It could have to do with the fire. Changing careers after being in the industry for eleven years in the very midst of attempting to garner a new home directly after the fire. Meeting my future husband three months after that, having him move in with me and then getting pregnant and then moving again before the year was out. Getting married, having a baby, having another home burn down, moving into a house, spending my money -- and all within the next year. It could have been any one of these things and there I was, smashing it all into a very short period of time. Not because I wanted to but because I had to. I had to adjust. Quickly and without any premeditation. I had to change my stripes without a momentís notice. Nothing was familiar anymore. Nothing was safe or certain. Nothing wasÖ me, really.

Iíve handled a lot. And Iíve handled it beautifully. I mean, not beautifully, but about as good as anyone else stumbling through lifeís little obstacles.

And I havenít regretted any of it. Not at all. But that doesnít change the fact that it was all so BIG. Doesnít change the fact that Iíve been on high alert, fast forward mode, just trying to keep up. So in all that, I may have neglected me a little bit.

It could have certainly had to do with the fires, the baby, the marriage, the house, the job -- the massiveness of it all. It could have had to do with all that and Iím sure it did. But what I know even more certainly now, after seeking help, not ignoring this blockage in my heart and adjusting medications, is that Iím lacking a bit of serotonin. In order to be the best mother, wife, employee and homeowner, I need a little chemical adjustment for a while to get me back on my game. Thatís all. Itís nothing I have done or have not done. Itís not something you just snap out of or I would have done that already. Itís not a condition for which I should be ashamed for it has nothing to do with the things I can control.

Itís just there. And it sucks. But Iím fixing it. Iím making the move to make me better. Iím working on it and one day Iíll be me again or Iíll be whoever Iím supposed to be. Just without the blockage in my appreciation for life and all the gifts I have.

For I have some really kickass gifts right in front of me.

I have a husband who tells me every day that Iím beautiful. I have not seen the inside of a grocery store in a year because he takes care of the shopping which I dread. He is responsible for the baby should she get up in the middle of the night. He wants me all the time. Not just physically but emotionally. He wants to talk, to share, to discover, to help, to love and be a better man. He doesnít hide inside of his thoughts or build resentment or judge me or doubt me. Ever. He isnít afraid to say it how it is and never needs coaxing to open up. He is a gentleman to the very core and works his ass off every day to provide for us. With everything going on, I never need to question his adoration for me. Itís so solid and so true. He has never tried to change me or squelch me or talk over me or dismiss me. He wants all of me. He respects me. He is my best friend. He is my partner.

I have the most amazing daughter in the entire world. A savvy little bundle of love and perfection. She is the very depth of my heart and the entire width of my ability. She encompasses everything Iíve ever done right and amazes me every day. Iím proud of her little march, her sense of humor, the way she puts on her coat, her hat and shoes and says bye at the end of the day. She just knows whatís next and doesnít question the simplicity of it all. Iím not a great mom and I know I could be so much better but she has really showed me how great I can be. I made her, I nursed her for over a year, I found a patience inside me I didnít know I had and, most importantly, I made it. I made through all of it.

And here we all are in our little house in the middle of a small community of amazing neighbors and friends who look out for each other and stand watch to protect us as though we were their family, too. And how did I ever deserve all of this? This house with its 2.5 bathrooms, gas fireplace, hot tub and half acre of land. Itís all mine. My familyís. I own it. I made it. I live it. I love it.

I lost a lot but gained more than I could possibly produce in my wildest dreams.

Iíve had setbacks with the depression, but Iím not broken or beyond repair. Iím just a little off right now. And Iím getting better.

So hereís to the fight. Hereís to trying every day not to judge those whose battles we cannot begin to know, regardless of how big or small they may seem. Hereís to the patience we must all evolve into if we are to evolve at all. Hereís to forgiveness. For others and especially ourselves. I know I have a hard time forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made but I have apologized all I can and I have to now move on because those mistakes do not define the me that is here, right now. I got to start over. I got another chance. Life hit reset and now Iím here, somewhere different doing something else.

I really miss the things Iíve already written, the things I have lost which were familiar and wonderful to me. I mourn that loss often and like to look back once in a while. But thereís something to be said about standing tall in front of this blank page for which I am eternally grateful.

This fresh, blank page full of what Iíve yet to write.

So letís get this ball rolling.

Written at 7:45 a.m.