Bent Words

Bent Words

May 07, 2012

Just reading the top seven things NOT to say to a pregnant woman and I couldn't agree more. If I had known any of this prior to my own pregnancy, there would be a lot fewer moms out there who hate me (or at least did at one time). I'm sure I was guilty, too, of having said the wrong thing or made an incorrect gesture. I'm also pretty sure that ogling my pregnant co-workers wasn't entirely necessary however I have to defend myself by saying that I was curious because I was just beginning my own pregnancy (I just hadn't told anyone yet).

The safest bet to me seems to be to let the Almost Mom bring it up first. Otherwise, hands and comments off, please.

7. "You're HUGE!" I am huge. I'm almost six feet tall and I'm carrying around what potentially may someday be another six foot tall human being. IN MY BELLY. So what's your excuse?

But seriously, it's not easy getting bigger -- even if you can simply say it's baby. It's not just the baby part of it. It's that you have nothing to wear, nothing to wear that's comfortable, nothing to wear that's comfortable and flattering and nothing that you normally just would wear if you had a real choice with the matter. Getting bigger also means your balance is off, your feet are being weighted down more than ever (at such a quick rate they cannot keep up), your back hurts and you can't sit as close to the table as you used to so some food is destined to end up on your baby's belly house.

Bottom line; getting bigger sucks balls so just try not to point it out. Also unacceptable in this category are people who look at your belly and gasp (loudly), laugh or point. I'm pretty sure you guys can just F off unless you'd like the same treatment from me.

6. "You're TINY!" No one has said this to me. I am not a tiny human being. But I do work with tiny human beings who have also been procreating and making more tiny humans and they really are just skinny minnys. Which is fine. As long as your reason is morning sickness. Otherwise, just eat a cheeseburger and get it done with already -- that baby is going to have issues if you're not eating at all.

But who am I to judge?

Just don't comment on a pregnant woman's size. Every woman and every pregnancy is so different so you really cannot judge. Sometimes the house is bigger, sometimes the house is smaller -- either way you cannot judge the cozy factor based on size alone.

5. "You're just upset because of hormones." You're just upset because I punched you in the f'ing teeth, Captain Obvious.

Do not belittle my feelings with a minimal justification. Sure, part of it may be hormones but this actually is quite an emotional event in ones life. I'm making a life, which is exciting, but I'm suffering like mad, which is frustrating. And I cannot control whether the tears flow at convenient times for you or not. So suck it up because the receiving end is still better than the burden bearing end.

4. "Is your husband/boyfriend/etc the father?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

No seriously, this one's funny. Because I keep teasing K-Dog that he may not be the dad. And because no one has been retarded enough to ask me this question.

3. "Your boobs/butt are HUGE!" Yes, I have boobs now and yes, I lost my cute butt and got me a little extra junk. If I have to take the big butt, I'll take it for the bigger boobs. They're fun! Still, I don't need that jazz -- especially after reading an article about breast implants today...

5 million American women have had breast augmentation done and the number of issues associated with fake boobs is astonishing. Not only are you incapable of hacking what you were given because you want to be someone you're not, but you're just asking to be one of the ONE IN EIGHT women who now get diagnosed with breast cancer. Lame. Keep your itty bitty titties, ladies -- it could be worse (he could love you for who you are).

2. "Should you be eating/drinking that?" Should you be breathing? Don't worry about what I'm eating and I'll try not to worry that someone lets you out of the house every morning sans paper bag. Seriously, just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean you get to be Mr. Scrutiny. If I want a beer, I'll have a beer. If I want a cake, I'ma buy a damn cake!

1. "Was it planned?" This question doesn't really bother me -- it's the look of judgment that bothers me. No, it wasn't planned but neither are HALF the pregnancies that happen. I guess it seems more fitting to TRY to have a baby and to WANT to have a baby but sometimes we are just surprised by life's little inconsistencies.

And day by day that little inconsistency turns into one of life's little miracles.

So let's talk about that instead.

If I feel like it, that is.

Written at 8:31 p.m.