Bent Words

Bent Words

September 06, 2011

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Michael Buble -- Feelin' Good.

Yeah. That's me.

All me, baby.

In one year I've lost a home and found a new one.

I've quit a job and started a new one.

I've dropped a boy and found a... man.

It's a new life. For me. And I'm feeling frickin' fantastic.

(Save for the smoking part but, really, I need to save a couple challenges for instances of future boredom, yo.)

The Home

Well, you know all about that. It's new. It's more expensive. It still lacks furniture and full-on personality. It's bomb because it's downtown and it's about as loud a freakin' series of bombs on the weekends (and, thanks to the skylight in my loft, when it rains). I love it for so many things; including the proximity to bars and restaurants (which is the only thing I can think of right meow) but I dislike it for so many other things; including the distance, with groceries, from the parking garage and how it was originally purposed for me and only me. As it's a loft, it doesn't accommodate separation (i.e. no doors other than the bathroom). Therefore, when one is trying to sleep, there is no sound separation from another who is downstairs trying to get in their deserved "me" time. One can hear each video game command, each dish being rinsed, each cat puking on my newly vacuumed floor.

It's an adjustment. But I wouldn't trade the inconvenience for anything but a real home.

And a pony.

I had a very limited amount of time in which to make my selection and I know I couldn't have, at the time and given the circumstances, asked for more.

Beggars be not choosers...

And I begged just to have my own roof.

Thus I have everything I need in that respect.

The Job

It scares the crap outta me. Number one, it's new. I'm no longer top dawg. No longer can I tote a decade's plus worth of experience or look down upon those who have entered after me. Now I'm the noob who has to be extra sweet, bring in treats and follow direction. All three of which I am not most excellently proficient at. I'd rather be vulgar, have others treat me and take the reins and run with 'em. Excellently. But I chose this new path and must tread upon it gingerly, with a map and several notes and a modecum of modesty. This is what I wanted and therefore that's how I must treat it. Like I want it. Not, as my co-worker said of the position today, like "it's just a job."

Mostly since it's not "just a job."

It's a new start, a new opportunity. A chance to be bigger and brighter.

And it's a good twenty miles away from the co-workers and owners, whose lies and manipulations, I could never respect.

I may not be free of all that is foul and unfair but at least I'm not bitchin' about it anymore. I've done something to change my environment. For better or worse, for greener or not quite, for once and... for right now, at least.

My goal, however, is to make this place my final stomping ground. To rise above the bullshit and to be taken seriously. To be seen and to be justly heard. To make something of this world, THIS WORLD, better. And it's in this place that I feel I can finally accomplish that.

For no amount of spinning motorcycle wheels could ever propel me to such a level of grandeur.

Of that I am most certain.

The Man

I am reassured with each new day, and in each a new way, that I've made the right choice. I've picked the right fruit. I've found the winning numbers.

Today I realized it again while driving home.

It used to be that I looked SO longingly upon my past. I hoped for more passion, like I had before, when I was a child and when I was "truly in love." I would wish for more symmetry, instead of the strife I decided to tackle in each of my past relationships. I yearned for a simpler way, full of compromise and understanding, rather than relishing in its reality. I always used to look back. As though the past was so much brighter than my current circumstance... But the truth is that the past just held a gem or two of experience, of fun, of laughter -- not an entire lifetime of nobility and promise.

Now, with where I am and who I'm with, I don't hope for these things, make wishes to attain it or long for that which I cannot have -- I actually HAVE it. I'm living it. I'm looking toward the future, not sinking in the past. There is nobility and promise. Right here. Right now. Truth and laughter. Respect and adoration.

Who freakin' knew that one could have it all?

Not just a piece. Not just a gem or two. Not just good enough. But an entire Sanctuary dedicated to genuine partnership.

Thank God for my strength in throwing in the towel when it was soaking wet with weariness and worry (or, at least, some time after). Thank God for that small logical side overruling the miniscule shiny spots on those rough, rough rocks. Thank God for trial and error or perhaps I'd never know what sound judgment is. Thank God for my parental units, never failing to insist that I not settle for anything less than that which I deserve and, most of all, thank God that I finally, truly figured out what it is, exactly, that that means. And thank God for their example or what would I ever have to strive for?

Dedication isn't something you have to polish (although it does need tending). It either is or it isn't. Compromise isn't something that only ONE person has to commit to, it's a shared responsibility. Tenacity isn't a lazy man's motto. Excellence does not fall off trees.

Quitters never fail in their goal.

How did I not see this before?

I've stopped reaching back for answers.

Because the reason no longer matters.

And that's a freedom I wouldn't trade in for anything.

I'd like to say that I seemed to have found myself right when I wasn't looking but, let me tell you, it hasn't been like that at all.

I fought for this. I made this happen. I worked this life. I wouldn't have all the beautiful things I have if it weren't for hard work. I earned this. I DESERVE THIS. I wouldn't take a single second of it back for all the memories still secure in my old home (and I will argue that there are so many memories untouched by the fire there). I may have tears over the loss but I don't hold an ounce of regret for the experience.

This past weekend I was able to see an entire walk-through of my old abode on film. I saw my white walls, my beige carpeting, my first stuffed animal given to me by my grandmother, my pictures and my picture frames -- my whole life recorded and untouched by destruction.

But I also saw the changes.

The video was from August of 2000 -- a few short months of my having lived in it -- and that's when my apartment held my old cat, Squirrel. My guinea pigs, Finch and Packy. A futon that never belonged to me. A computer which I upgraded. A desk I must have junked at some point. A coffee maker I never utilized. The mirror that once belonged to my great grandmother, part of my namesake.

All these things have come and gone, by design or by destruction. Whether they were in my apartment or without.

And that's life.

You win some. You lose some.

The important thing is that you don't lose yourself in the process. The important thing is that you learn. The imporant thing is that, despite your fear, despite your stumbles and your downfalls, you keep on loving.

The important thing is YOU.

Live it and love it and own it because you never know how long you have a right to it.

It didn't take me losing everything to know how important it all was. It just made me appreciate it more than I thought possible. It just made me appreciate the people around me more and, MY OH MY, don't I have the MOST beautiful and wonderful and inspiring group of people, including myself, surrounding me!

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world

For me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new life

For me

I'm feeling good
I feel so good

Written at 7:08 p.m.