May 04, 2011
In twelve pages I was able to account for nearly all the personal items I lost in my old apartment.Yesterday I submitted the list to my insurance company.
Part of me is pissed it took so long. The fire happened on January 15th. Part of me is still wishing I could go back and claim the CD cases I missed, the China lamp in my living room I neglected, the Suzuki plaque (which you can still see, clear as day, hanging on the wall above what was my computer desk), for which I was so proud, I forgot to claim.
Each new old thing I can recall in any given day...
But for the most part, I'm just happy that it's finally finished. That the weight of it is somehow moderately dissolved from my aching shoulders. And that I had insurance in the first place.
While it was not a very weighty policy, it is better than the big pile of nothing that the majority of the tenents received back. Only three people, out of a thirty-unit building, had renter's insurance. I wish it weren't such a hard lesson to learn...
And now where do I go from here?
Well, let me tell you...
To begin with, I plan to pay off my credit card. What's the point in getting all new stuff when I have debt to be sympathetic to?
After that, who knows.
I know I'd like a futon. I know I'd love a computer desk. But, for now, I feel I have everything I need.
The roof part I've got. The bed. The laptop. The gaping windows peering out at the quaint city. Enough clothing to just get by in a given week.
Most importantly, without even kinda looking for it (most opposite, in fact), I've got a man to share my little treasures with. And I know it's new and wonderful right now but new and wonderful is exactly what I need. Right now. I need to see his smile erupt when I cannot contain my own. I need to feel his fingers wrapped in mine when all I want is something concrete to hold onto. I need to see the respect for all I've accomplished beaming through his eyes when I tell him what I've done.
I totally didn't realize it but that's just what I needed.
To be appreciated for my travails, to be heard for my cracking voice, to be held so tightly that there's no question that I've made it this far.
I know I would have made it through without him. I know I'd still be here. I'd still be strong. Maybe even stronger.
But it's also good to know that I don't always have to be so damned strong.
It's good to know that I can be vulnerable to a genuinely pure heart.
I'm still scared, for sure, but he's making me open up again. And GOD I cannot tell you how long it's been since I've opened up to anyone whose eyes dance with mine from a mere arm's length away. I may not have been ready before but I'm actually willing now.
Just to let him love me.
And while the fact of the fire sucked relatively hardcore, I wouldn't change an f'ing thing when it comes to how things went down.
I wouldn't change the flames.
I wouldn't change the scramble.
I wouldn't change the fear.
Because now I have a real reason to celebrate.
I have a real reason to feel.
I have a real place to call home.
None of it was wrapped up in twelve pages of loose leaf paper.
It's all right here. In my heart.
And there's no where else that I'd rather be.