September 06, 2009
There are days...Between the crisscross of legs and the taps of shoes. Surrounded by the browns and blues and yellows of jackets. Within the sway of swinging arms and holding hands and "please excuse me." Amongst the many hats and the crazy hair and the balding heads. Where there is laughter and romance and politics...
I've spotted you on a crowded sidewalk.
About to reach out to tap your shoulder and I withdraw before I even realize it isn't you.
We already know what we could not say, face to face.
There are days when I recall your impatience with my impatience. Nothing seemed simple but, when we looked into each other's eyes, everything seemed clear. The good and the bad. The desire and the agony. We each knew too much of the struggle the other owned and so we pushed away, believing it was best, and plodded on. Losing each other within the crowd; the colors, the faces, the voices.
"Please excuse me;" we could have each said for our significant crimes.
And there are days when I have been forgiven and you are pardoned.
We sit across from each other in the afternoon, nervous and edgy, in a small bar downtown. Our fingers fiddle with our sunglasses. Our glances we maintain with brevity. Afraid yet ready for what could be held in significance. What we needed to say but didn't is spoken now through this meeting. Perhaps we'll continue this way or never meet again -- who knows. All we are certain of is the fact that we must not leave this world without the acknowledgment of it all.
It may not have been pretty. It may not have been couth. (And was that our demise?) But it was pure, in its own manner. It was unmistakable. And it was absolutely cherished.
Forbidden, to say the least, but not forgotten. Fumbled but not a moment feigned. Not lost. Not repudiated.
We move forward. We do our best and we hold our own. We try not to look back. We have what we have now and we are who we are today. But we never know if that will change. And we sometimes wonder if it will. We hope it won't change most of the time. Every now and then, we hope it does.
Not very often, but there are days...