Bent Words

Bent Words

November 30, 2008

To find out if he’s still alive:

Lurk the online forums he belongs to. Wait for a post by someone with an apparent inability to capitalize the beginnings of new sentences. If he does post up, linger over the date and time and precisely calculate these with the dates and times you have attempted to contact him via e mail without reply. Consider yourself crafty rather than obsessive.

Text message him incessantly. First try casual meanderings such as,

“Hope all is well!” or “Hey stranger!” or “Just wanted to say hi. Hi.”

Move on from cute to questioning for this might warrant reply.

“How ya doing?” “What’s up?” “Are you still A L I V E???”

Fail miserably. Move onto assuming blame than to bargaining and then resort to utter desperation.

“Did I do something wrong?” “Give ya dollar if you answer me…” “Please call me.”

Ignore all other incoming messages/calls/e mails.

Piteously inquire to his family and friends. Listen to them reassure you with “That’s just how he is” and “Are you seriously surprised?” and “How the hell would I know? I haven’t spoken to him in over a month!” Get pissed off and kick things nearby.

Sleep with phone carefully positioned on its own pillow very close to your ear. Somewhere between midnight and 6:00am, he might call. Wake with a start at 3:00am to find your phone groping your leg and curiously turned off. Curse the battery life of your phone after you haven’t charged it in three days and reason with yourself that you’ll get plenty of sleep when you’re dead after not being able to regain repose. Convince yourself you’re not crazy. Eat every last bite-sized peanut butter cup in the bag.

Know beforehand it won’t work but still resort to calling him from someone else’s phone. Leave a message after the beep. Sound happy, complacent. Shrug your shoulders to add to the effect. Hang up phone and stare off into the distance for an immeasurable amount of time. Explain to your co-workers that your contact fell out and hurry to the bathroom.

Be utterly useless for the rest of the day and head immediately home to catch him by surprise. Find out he’s not there and then proceed to carefully search each room to support evidence of the contrary. Check the fridge for a missing beer. Scrutinize the bar of soap he left behind to see if it’s smaller.

Look for a death wish left on the table in his handwriting.

Resolve to not call him again, ever. Make it about three hours and two cocktails later and dial his number. Be positive. Expect him to answer. Cross your fingers and make empty promises to a Higher Being. Realize you cannot will his compliance and curse your limited super human powers. Proceed to download the World’s 25 Most Depressing Songs and cry for hours. Explain to yourself you needed the commiseration. Make a bath. Forget to get into bath and blame yourself for wasting so much damned water. This makes you angry. Cry or hate? You choose hate because you haven’t done that one so far.

Write him a hate note. Make it fierce and watch the letters get bigger and bigger and the words get shorter and shorter. Tell him that he should not disrespect you so. Be firm. Be resolute. Give in eventually, tear the letter to shreds, scramble through another evening and realize that, if he does call, you’ll just be glad to know he’s still alive.

Written at 6:20 p.m.