April 08, 2008
I can recall the way you must have seen me then. I could see myself through you. Like looking into a mirror, expecting to simply see yourself and instead finding something completely opposite; completely unfamiliar. And what do you do then? When you see someone you know you�re not.It was easier then to justify the change, the chaos, as a fluke. It was late and we had too much to drink. It was winter and we were stir crazy. Or it was just me, acting out, overreacting, too emotional, going insane.
That was tangible and so it was easier � easier to take and easier to diagnose. Easier to ignore.
But like any disease, the longer it is neglected, unattended, the worse it gets. The deprivation of a simple cure and suddenly you�re too far along to reverse the damage already done. Yet you wouldn�t be human if you didn�t cling to hope and so you claw through the darkness and grasp desperately at every ray of light, every strand of opportunity and you exhaust every option, thrusting yourself down every path of possibility. You hold onto hope.
And, then, when you�ve found that hope is lacking, when you don�t know what else to do, you�ll do anything.
In yearning to be heard...You�ll destroy the physical objects around you in order to mimic the world destroyed inside you. Your voice will rise above the crowd as you compete to be heard, your hands will lose control and turn wild in an attempt to have them held by anyone. Your motives, though filled with a pure intent, become irrational as you desperately search for a single, obvious answer.
You�ll twist and turn, looking within and without and everywhere � all around, looking back and looking forward � wondering what you�ve missed and how it was, exactly, that you became so lost. The confusion convoluting into a wild mass of unknown streets in an unknown town surrounded by strangers who never fail to appear foreign in their contentedness or blissfully ignorant and, there you are; that small, insignificant dot on a sweeping map.
You�ll watch who were disappear. The basics lost to a great vastness of unknown places. Knowing only that you once had it right. Knowing that if you only had a little direction, a little help, a gentle hand to lift you up, a dash of faith, a sign of understanding, you might somehow get back.
They say you do crazy things when you care.
So perhaps I wasn�t crazy. Perhaps I was just lost.
Perhaps I just cared. A lot.
Funny how we never saw it that way...