Bent Words

Bent Words

March 13, 2008

Recent studies preformed by senior psychology students at the University of Crassness, OH have shown that acts of common courtesy, generosity and concern displayed by men and women ages 14-112 may be linked to long-term health hazards such as friendship, kindness and, in more extreme cases, endearment.

The study, which was conducted this past fall under the newly instituted Department of Complacency at UC, found that nearly 92% of all operations of humanity aimed at others caused increased compassion, amiability and an overall feeling of goodness in those performing said humanitarian acts. It is also purported that the mere reception of generosity may cause inadvertent tendencies toward decency if proper precautions are not immediately exercised.

Warning signs, said Mavis Ascon, Head Advisor for the Department of Complacency, are not always as easily recognized as one might think.

“You know, it starts with holding the door open for a co-worker or saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to the man taking your order behind the deli counter – small things, to be sure – but then,” said Ascon, “BAM! it snowballs into something resembling charity! Before you know it, you’re giving money to people who need it more than you do or subjecting yourself to thankless acts of generosity. It’s sad… It’s really sad.”

This kind behavior, either imparted or received (for example, by inquiring how one’s day went or offering aid to a fellow traveler with a flat tire) may at first seem innocent but, as Ascon vehemently argued, pointed acts of empathy serve only to paralyze one’s sense of autonomy.

In fact the risk, said Ascon, is obvious. Too much of a good thing can kill.

“We’re all in it for ourselves anyway so why falsely spread the virulence of compunction unto others? It doesn’t really make a difference – it only leaves us to hope. And what can hope do but ultimately let us down?” said Ascon.

Although more conclusive evidence is necessary to properly define the hazardous effects of what may someday become a wide-spread epidemic, Ascon delivers the following advice:

- Discontinue displays of consideration toward others, especially those you are likely to come into contact with often – repeat offenses toward/from the same person tend to produce higher levels of respect.
- Avoid using manners.
- Common courtesies should be limited to situations of utter importance. In other words, only utilize this last ditch effort if you really need something or aren’t getting the results necessary for your own benefit.
- Think of yourself as being in a bubble, disconnected from outside events and unable to communicate with others. Abstinence is the only way to ensure you are completely protected from the infirms of endearment.

Written at 10:10 p.m.