Bent Words

Bent Words

February 13, 2008

Society should be closed on a day when you walk outside and the cold air invades your chest so harshly that your lungs freeze. We should get the equivalent of a Snow Day on days like this only weíll call it a Hypothermia Day.

During Hypothermia Days, it should be legal to beat up college students who wear flip-flops to class.

I should be able to call into work on days like this Ė days when my remote start wonít work and I actually have to walk outside, into Arctic Death, and warm up my car. Iíd rather call into work, missing a few hours of pay, than risk losing my fingers to frost bite.

If I wasnít at work, I could come up with better ways to bribe my neighborís annoying six-year-old to stick his tongue on the flagpole outside. I could finally enjoy an episode of Lost without having to pause because some screaming little scamp is making Daytona laps outside my door.

Itís not that I donít like kids Ė I just donít like his kid. His kid doesnít have an Ďinside voice.í He has but one volume, Ďstadium voice.í I thought kids were supposed to be addicted to Nintendos and Playstations and something they call Guitar Hero and instead theyíre running around outside as though this were the 50s? Come on Ė go melt your brain in front of the tube, kid, and leave mine alone.

I could complain to the kidís father but that would be useless because the kidís father has shown little potential in anything but being useless. He always takes my parking spot and Iíve (slowly) explained to him several times that he canít park in my spot because if he does, than Iím forced to park in someone elseís spot and thus continues the vicious cycle of Musical Cars. Itís either English or common sense that is not his strong suit. Or both.

I donít get it. It's not as though I leave my garbage in front of his door at night and then defend myself by stating that ďI just didnít know where else to put it.Ē

Isnít that a nifty idea I just stumbled upon?

And why was my school closed on the only day I didnít have to go to class? What kind of anti-divine intervention was that? Everyone else got a Snow Day except me. But, when itís seventy below zero and the weatherman urges everyone to ďlimit their exposure to the elements to five minutes, max,Ē I had to trudge a half a mile across campus letting the frost mercilessly take over my eyeballs.

I had to allow my face to thaw before I could blink again.

But at least I made it to class on time so I could finally finish my full-page doodle of Gus the Giraffe while the professor spent fifty minutes carefully discerning which website to utilize for current events quizzes.

Not. Joking.

Oh and I just finished my What I Suck At list:

1. I suck at drawing the hooves of giraffes.

2. I suck at making really good excuses for missing 10pm student organization meetings Ė I need to come up with a better excuse than, ďItís 10pm. I donít meet with anyone at 10pm unless they have a lot of money or a lot of Captain to offer. Donít take it personally.Ē

3. I suck at math and geography (hence the reason God invented the calculator and mapquest).

4. I suck at making plans. Iíll get there before itís too late and leave before you get sick of me Ė shouldnít that be good enough?

5. I suck at focus. I rarely ever do just one thing and finish it. Itís more interesting to randomly juggle four things at the same time and never quite fully tackle them all.

6. Itís probably just because I wasnít born with fur but I really suck at being cold.

7. I suck at speaking (ties into that whole focus thing).

8. I suck at listening, too, which is rather unfortunate but, I must admit, that itís really not my fault because I find myself having to listen to a great majority of people that I really donít like.

9. I suck at finding people I like who actually like me, despite my suckiness, back.

10. I suck at drawing the expression of extreme boredom on giraffes.

Written at 9:34 p.m.