February 13, 2008
Society should be closed on a day when you walk outside and the cold air invades your chest so harshly that your lungs freeze. We should get the equivalent of a Snow Day on days like this only we�ll call it a Hypothermia Day.During Hypothermia Days, it should be legal to beat up college students who wear flip-flops to class.
I should be able to call into work on days like this � days when my remote start won�t work and I actually have to walk outside, into Arctic Death, and warm up my car. I�d rather call into work, missing a few hours of pay, than risk losing my fingers to frost bite.
If I wasn�t at work, I could come up with better ways to bribe my neighbor�s annoying six-year-old to stick his tongue on the flagpole outside. I could finally enjoy an episode of Lost without having to pause because some screaming little scamp is making Daytona laps outside my door.
It�s not that I don�t like kids � I just don�t like his kid. His kid doesn�t have an �inside voice.� He has but one volume, �stadium voice.� I thought kids were supposed to be addicted to Nintendos and Playstations and something they call Guitar Hero and instead they�re running around outside as though this were the 50s? Come on � go melt your brain in front of the tube, kid, and leave mine alone.
I could complain to the kid�s father but that would be useless because the kid�s father has shown little potential in anything but being useless. He always takes my parking spot and I�ve (slowly) explained to him several times that he can�t park in my spot because if he does, than I�m forced to park in someone else�s spot and thus continues the vicious cycle of Musical Cars. It�s either English or common sense that is not his strong suit. Or both.
I don�t get it. It's not as though I leave my garbage in front of his door at night and then defend myself by stating that �I just didn�t know where else to put it.�
Isn�t that a nifty idea I just stumbled upon?
And why was my school closed on the only day I didn�t have to go to class? What kind of anti-divine intervention was that? Everyone else got a Snow Day except me. But, when it�s seventy below zero and the weatherman urges everyone to �limit their exposure to the elements to five minutes, max,� I had to trudge a half a mile across campus letting the frost mercilessly take over my eyeballs.
I had to allow my face to thaw before I could blink again.
But at least I made it to class on time so I could finally finish my full-page doodle of Gus the Giraffe while the professor spent fifty minutes carefully discerning which website to utilize for current events quizzes.
Not. Joking.
Oh and I just finished my What I Suck At list:
1. I suck at drawing the hooves of giraffes.
2. I suck at making really good excuses for missing 10pm student organization meetings � I need to come up with a better excuse than, �It�s 10pm. I don�t meet with anyone at 10pm unless they have a lot of money or a lot of Captain to offer. Don�t take it personally.�
3. I suck at math and geography (hence the reason God invented the calculator and mapquest).
4. I suck at making plans. I�ll get there before it�s too late and leave before you get sick of me � shouldn�t that be good enough?
5. I suck at focus. I rarely ever do just one thing and finish it. It�s more interesting to randomly juggle four things at the same time and never quite fully tackle them all.
6. It�s probably just because I wasn�t born with fur but I really suck at being cold.
7. I suck at speaking (ties into that whole focus thing).
8. I suck at listening, too, which is rather unfortunate but, I must admit, that it�s really not my fault because I find myself having to listen to a great majority of people that I really don�t like.
9. I suck at finding people I like who actually like me, despite my suckiness, back.
10. I suck at drawing the expression of extreme boredom on giraffes.