Bent Words

Bent Words

December 25, 2007

Just getting out some mixed up thoughts...

I have hesitated for days now. Choosing an airline ticket for one. It hardly feels right when in the past you were as excited as I to get away and find ourselves mixed in warmth when, back home, the world swirled with snow. Instead of bundling up, we would find ourselves marveling over the sweat on the beer bottles at the usual hangouts or rolling the windows down, letting our hands hang out and sail with the ocean breeze. So now, I hesitate. In fact, I have hesitated to the point where I simply didn't choose one -- telling myself again and again that I'm just waiting for a cheaper price or a better time when I have more money to spare. In all reality, I just don't want to go it alone. To be more precise, I just don't want to go it without you.

Not unlike this year for Christmas.

Lingering in my apartment ever so long, waiting for what seemed the right moment before heading out to the lake. I checked my phone and my e mail forty times before pressing my feet into their boots and, even then, I found reason upon reason not to leave and join this first celebration in years without you.

While driving, it was all I could think about. I imagined your face and the innocent smile when you tasted yet another of my mother's fabulous cookies. The grin you beared while watching my nieces and I play. How I was your strength at your own family gatherings which you always stated you weren't so fond of, being the one that 'doesn't play well with others.'

You always seemed to get by just fine with me in tow. It wonder how it was this year, without me... I nearly decided to ask you if you wanted the company but how I could I do such a thing? Overstepping the bounds that might have even been happily overstepped.

By brother and his family actually made it before me (a first!) and so I sat up at the road, radio blaring, head full of memories, hesitating again. What was I to do? Walking into this day without you?

And as soon as I walked through the front door, I was faced with yet another fix -- my brother and I having to work out some troubles. During our brief conversation and make up session, all he could see in my tears were that they were caused by him. I wish I could have told him the truth.

It didn't seem right without you there.

The cocoa wasn't the same. My mother said it wasn't your favorite and, although you weren't here to confirm or deny it, I knew you would have smiled with satisfaction just the same.

The girls asked after you, recalling your 'favorite' color while I helped them with the patterns of their Light Brights.

Your name slipped off my tongue more than it should have perhaps, all things considered. And believe me, they are considered, quite often. While I hesitate here and move forwad there, seemingly never at quite the right time, remembering where you were and wondering where you are and, as usual, finding myself in that same solitary spot...

Wishing you were here.

Written at 8:24 p.m.