November 16, 2007
I know.It�s sad how I sit here and come up with ways. Indirect as I am and only directly wanting to know how you are. Just as I was before, I am now still � not knowing how to go about this whole thing.
How do I ask, how I do inquire, how do I reconcile the wonder, how do I know? Perhaps it�s more important that I ask how I leave you alone� How do I leave you out of my mind?
How do I pretend that it�s okay that I don�t get to be there? How do I pretend in the first place that I don�t want to be there? Smiling in front of everyone as though I were not wishing it was you smiling back at me.
I know.
I�m not supposed to be here anymore. I�m supposed to be much farther from you by now. I�m suppose to be stronger than this and let you do what you do, be who you are and set you free. In fact, so they say, I�m supposed to be happy for you � happy you have that helping hand, that light, that shining hope standing resilient in your moments of darkness.
Part of me IS happy that you have that, yes. But there�s another part of me I cannot deny � that part that isn�t done. The part that never had a real fighting chance. The part that wants a do-over. It�s that part of me that is dying just to show you.
I know I failed once. And that�s how it goes. Sometimes or inevitably. You try and you fail. But you don�t mark it �failure� if you do not succeed � you mark it �failure� if you give up. Only then. And I never gave up. So what do I do now? �Cause I still don�t want to give up. I still don�t know how to give up and I still haven�t tried to give up.
I know.
But I�m so scared. I�m scared to know or be told or feel or suspect that I am SUPPOSED to give up. I�m scared because I still don�t want to. I don�t know how to. I just want to wrap you up and make at least a part of it better. I did that once. I held you. I felt you. I knew you. There was nothing you could do to turn me away and I think that that was the closest I�ve been to love. And you were the closest thing in the world to knowing me. I saw it in your eyes. I saw it in the struggle.
That still doesn�t tell me now what I am supposed to do. Am I really supposed to give up? Stupid years and ridiculous tears, turning around again and being turned inside out, forgetting the part where I move on and missing the part where I did only to come back again (if that makes sense). All of that doesn�t matter � the years, tears, turning, forgetting, moving on and moving backward � as long as I know you still care. Tell me you still care. Tell me you ever did and tell me I�m not lost. Because, seriously, what could be real if that never was? What in the world could be as real as that? How do you give up on something so real? Something that infiltrates your dreams so deeply still that you wake up and scream that gorgeous name? Tell me, after all of that, how I am supposed to leave you out of my mind? As though it were easy�
As for the rest of you, you don�t have to tell me. You don�t have to say it.
I know.
Trust me, I know.
But that doesn�t change a damned thing�
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I won't leave you out of my will
But I will leave you out of my mind
For now
I won't be there to break your sweet heart
But not being there might break your sweet heart
You are my joy
You are my joy
You are my joy
You are my joy
If I could cradle you into my arms
I would cradle you tight in my arms
Always
So don't be scared of all the hurtful words
Cause in the end, they'll hurt themselves much more
You are my joy
You are my joy
You are my joy
You are my joy