Bent Words

Bent Words

January 31, 2007

“Okay, you need to turn off this suicide music as soon as possible.”

Never listen to the type of music you like. He’ll only get mad. When in doubt, blast Pantera. Classical music is out of the question along with musicals and movies that make you think. It has been eluded to that country music may cause cancer.

Cigarette smoke is always considered highly offensive until he lights the one he’s ‘borrowed.’ And I would implore you to watch your back, lest he burden you with the weight of his dirty habit.

“You have to be smarter than the product,” he might scold, the day before he lights another.

Never ask “What’s wrong?” because something always is.

He won’t tell you right away, the virulent thoughts rolling through his head, but rest assured he’ll blow up later, as long as you’re off guard.

He will not calmly state his case, peacefully list his objections or quietly sit you down “to work things out.” He will, however, tell you that you are wrong. Once he has thrown down his cards or spoken his mind, there is no room for discussion. His word is final. He will prove it to you by concentrating on a magazine, the computer screen or his cell phone.

Never ask him to look at you when you are speaking and never, under any circumstances, ask him to listen.

“What do you want me to say?” is not an open invitation for you to insert pliable, affectionate phrases, words of adoration or syllables of understanding – he was only being facetious.

When he will not respond, it doesn’t do to take to inflicting extra pressure to the closing of cupboard doors in frustration. Catharsis in any form (i.e. sighs, banal language, raised voice, heavy walking) is unacceptable. He will only chide you for being juvenile.

Be prepared to give up under all circumstances. Call this “being happy rather than right.”

Do not expect affectionate actions unless they pertain directly to sex. Consider near pants-wetting tickle sessions to be tender. Consider ass slaps a sign of his desire.

Motivation, reassurance and praise are to be carried in your heart like quiet memories – stashed away on a shelf in the back of the closet. Learn to deal. Learn to forget.

If you do feel a hankering for conversation, be sure to mention something he knows everything about. Make certain that the topic is concrete, tangible and not overly complicated. He will continue talking – do not interrupt. Smile. Nod. Repeat.

Never bring up holidays.

“You must really miss being the party girl.”

This does not mean he’s angry, jealous or spiteful – it just “is what it is.” So, when he leaves for three days without calling or coming home, keep in mind that going out for drinks with friends will cause severe strife for an indeterminate amount of time. It’s only fair that he has his cake and you have year-old macaroni.

“I love you” is for pussies. “Sorry” is your blanket, not his.

When he doesn’t come to bed, do not ask why. He’s just comfortable on the couch. When he does come to bed and begins snoring before hitting the pillow, do not interrupt. Even if you cannot sleep. He will be very angry.

Never bring up mutual funds.

Pretend you’re happy – he will say “you’re funny.”

Go to all his races. Take pictures. Be enthused. Listen to his friends. Expect to be as far away as possible from anything that resembles a bathroom.

Walk on eggshells – this promotes balance and patience. Be someone else – this promotes harmony.

Never ask why.

Written at 8:14 p.m.